Thoughts of Koo

Wednesday, 9 November 2016

SIKMENT LOYNE : ! Doc Smokey Tiny Jean Henry Lt. Koo KoToK chav 'n daze
all of you !

ALL : ! ! Sikment ! ! ( !Kolee )

LOYNE :    ! It's been suche a longe tyme !


ALL :    !? Hasn't it just ? ! ... Oh by that ?! you mean where the fuck we been innit     Well we been in hidin' aint we ?( Kolee )


LOYNE : ! ((h)mmMm

ALL :   Yes. We've spent a good number of daze trying to come to a joint (unanimous)
decision on when the world will end. And we got there. Eventually.


chav 'n daze : The joint helpt ?!dinnit

LOYNE : So ? !

ALL :   So you've got a little wile longer
! ! Butt dunt go spendin; nextSunday sittin
on santasKnee in Argos

LOYNE : I see.

ALL : mm(h)mm! Well we came back to tell you the news and , so we thought,
to get in as muche shjoppin' and fukkjin' as we could. butt we all 2depressd now

c 'n d : Yes we're all too depressed.

LOYNE :    So ? ( ! )

ALL : So we're headin back 'ome well back to the cave. Laden's saved some dry smoke.
And if we get too cold we've all agreed we'll set fire to His beard.

LOYNE : i see.

Wednesday, 3 August 2016

( b ) 2bites at the cherry : cast in stone

It is with great sadness that we have to report the passing of the wrestling legend 2bites
A lethal combination of his own inadequate remorse over the recent savaging of a pitbull, coupled with the adequate revenge of a baying mob of pitbull owners and their pitbulls, left 2bites with no choice butt to join the GreatMcLogan-In-The-Sky.
Irrespective of the wishes of 2bites' family and/or friends,
a unilateral decision has been taken to cast 2bites' tagged-and-ragged body in stone,
as part of a new installation at the cherry centre, closed to the public until further notice.

Yen Stonemilk /
Meletonin Sky /
Steely Minnok

(a) 2bites at the cherry

you were thinkin' of 2bites at the cherry with me, ?weren't you Sik .. O ! come on , i know
you .. ? how long have we known each other .. !

Well yes ! I guess .. maybe I was .. Kolee .. I mean .. would that bother you .. if I .. y'know .. took .. .

bother me? sikment ffs .. ! course no.. i mean i got all aranged !? innit

Oooh Ms. ?Ynnit .. ! I mean .. really ? ?!

yeah well i had innit .. got it arangd i meen .. down at the cherry centre ?yeah ,.. got us tx
for a retraspect .. all-in wrestlin' tag match ?yeah with ... withe Sik .. .. 2bites. ! !
u must rememba 'im, tagged wi logan and mcmanus , back in a daze.. costello too i fink ..
anyhoo t.c.a.l.s.s 2bites only went 'n 'ad a run-in didnt'e ? wiv a fukkin pitbull ..! well need i tell u ? ... savaged ! sik ! savaged .. and tbph 2bites wernt entirely skotfree neitha were ?he . .. so cut up was 'e abut the insident that e gon 'n canseled the tagmatch the fukka ! innit ?
well WTF u can do innit !? ffs

Monday, 1 August 2016

As Yet Untitled.

Dearest Kolee

It is a long time since we first met, all those many moons ago in December 2011,
when you came to me for .. help. Oh ! is it really that long ?
You were in a bit of a mess then Kolee, and at our first meeting I has to stifle a giggle
?remember. That was when you told me to go ... !hmm ..   after you'd told me about the theme-park trauma the day before, when the log flume turned out to be a log flue,
and how a cold, winter's day in Luton can take you unawares.
And there, K, trauma beget re-trauma, and the rest, as they say, be hysteria.. !hmmm

Now I know a lot of water has flown under the bridge since then, and it's not all been plain sailing betwixt us, Ms. ?Ynnit, but I have grown very fond of you (as you know); more than that even.
So it came as a bit of a blow to me to find out things regarding our recent   rendez-vous
and why, precisely, you decided to 'drop me off' at that exact stretch of the M4.
My heart has taken a fair bit of a bashing over the years, K, as you'll know, exacerbated I dare say by your comings and goings and various shenanigans.
Yesterday, however, was in many ways, the final straw that brought the camel back.
Without being over-melodramatic about this, Kolee, my heart has just been pierced by the last sling or arrow of egregious fortune, maybe even fatally so.

On Tuesday 26th July, dear Kolee, as part of your Peeps' Chump series presumably,
you published a letter, well the beginnings of suche from an unknown sender, someone to whom you referred as TWIMC - whatever! the fuck that mean ( ?!innit )
Well, tpis, you cut the sender off, most forcibly as I recall. On the grounds that the moderator (you) had found that standards had been compromised. Although you proceeded to refer to Bono as .. well, in a way that was pretty discourteous I have to say, even if it was true.

In the part of the letter which was shown, the author spoke of a hole (Slough),
20 miles or so down the M4 from TheSmoke, where people and things mysteriously disappear. One might think it akin to a vortex scenario, except that will remind you of your local bingo-hall and then you'll have nightmares about people's housey-houseys being swallowed up by the void.
So, researching The Slough Hole - what the locals dub
The Bare-Moodah Triangle - I discovered stuff disturbing on so many levels, if i may .. . . .. ...

O ! !fs !shutthefukup innit ? Sikment an lissen 2me .. . . .

And now, dear readers, allow me to interrupt, and explain :

Sunday, 31 July 2016

and anyhoo K if I said there's werdshitstuff goin on
you'll be then screamin' Cuzz!!Cuzz at me
( and ?why not)
and cussin' me for watchin' too much KolinFry and Sik Sense
and then before you know it girl we've both got bit-parts
on The Dukes of Hazzard
and with our keks round our ankles
you find out I'm your sister
and I find out you're my half-uncle
and before y'know it girl ( !again)
we been driven out of that one-Horse-shebang
with a shotgun up our ass
and the surety of never ever gettin' another bit-part between us
again
(!or any parts come to that)
and all 'cos (cuzz)
I had the temerity
the absolute temerity
to call what's goin' on with us weerdshitstuff
and not, with due and relative hindsite,
that strange clarity
strange and beautiful
clarity
So d'you see, ? Kole
if only I'd been clearer from the start
?eh ! Kolee . . . ..
. .. . ! . Kolee ?

-

. .. . ?! . Kolee ? ! ! ?

-

O ! FFS ! Kolee ? innit !

Friday, 29 July 2016

NeferTT

straddling the sun

like Nefertiti

at a never-ending party

( or )

straddling the sun

like Nefertiti

on a newly-painted moped

which to send her ?

still

prevarication be a dish best served gloomy

for she'd toddled off

to the Isle of Man

with a gold-digging druid

IKON ELYMENTS

K ?Y (ms.) :

SL :

K ?Y(ms) :

SL :

Tuesday, 26 July 2016

in a desperate attempt to confuse us even further,
Kolee come up with something
completely similar

Gardeners welled

Hello. Today we are in the so-called Garden of England, famous for its orchards, hop gardens
and, of course, ( gesturing) ) for the deepest, darkest well in the world.
We have come to talk to the two gardeners, Emon & Mone Skyliten, who co-manage this spacious and delightful Garden.
Unfortunately, however, they appear not to be here today, and !what a shame that is.
( faint echoey-pained cry from 'distance' ) Ah listen ! Hmmm .. yes, even in this peaceful place
the silence be sometimes broken by the cry of .. !hmmm .. mmmm !of course the coypu
mown down by an errant stockbroker from Esher. . .. Mmm ! Lovely
(presenter then turn, and , with an air of resignation speaks to film crew :
Ok everybody, lets rock 'n roll ! Skyliten no-show ! Let's get the hell outta here, ?hmm

A Soylem-In-Kent production

Post-show discussion :

- so ? wot d'ya think Sik about me new film ?

- Well Kolee i'm particularly partial to the short and that was particularly short wasn't it ?
It got me thinking of the films by The Coen Brothers, in their House and Home period ?yes
Y'know, works like Blood Shingle, Furr-go, and how your film is nothing like that great work    Mmm but then there's the the Koyn Sisters, y'know, Smeltin & Meltins ? .. and
their impressive body of work, yes..! Mmm/Hmm . .. indeed .. yes ...
. . . .. .

- and The Sisters' work is nothing like my film either, is it ? Sik

- Erm . . ! no

Dear K?Y

I'd like to say how great your Gardeners Welled doc-film was. butt, malheursment,
I didn't get to catch it and I heard it was a bit shit btw.

Anyhoo, that aside, I'm writing to you on a 'gardening' issue.
Well I say 'gardening' ; you might have to dig deep to find even subluminous reference
butt something will crop up sindood, if you look hard enough.

This is the thing, Kolee (Cauli) :
I have been traveling by Megabus quite a lot during the last few months, making a necessary journey from The Smoke down the M4.
What is becoming apparent is that, 20 miles or so to the south-west of the city, there is what can only be described as a 'hole' of some kind, a place where people, things 'disappear';
without trace; at Slough in fact, as near as make no difference.
Here, in random-alphabetical order, is a catalogue of everything which has mysteriously vanished into thin air at that hole: 3 mobile phones (mine) ; a pair of binoculars ( a priest's) ;
a vibrato/vibrator (a priest's ); a priest (as himself); 4-5 passengers (random, exact number disputable due to some conjoinedness); 2 drivers (less random); and a National Express waitress who had previously existed only as an expression of Neil Hannon's messed-up mind but who, latterly, did find solace and meaning with Megabus, who paid her to be a 'faux-waitress' with the soul intent of pissing off the IrishKunt ( pretty random ) . .. .
. . . .. .

- !Look ? ! Can I stop you there, dearest TWIMC . .? .

-

-

- Yes ? Ms ?Ynnit .!. we're waiting .. what is it you .. ?

- Oh ! No I just wanted to stop you there.
Butt now you mention it your use of language is
somewhat . ..!hmmm .. well somewhat inapropriat ?innit !
. . mmm I mean I we
thought the only IrishKunt was Bono ! !

when Loyne confess to ?Ynnit of the lovely sensation he has between his legs when in her
presence
and ?Ynnit question the
hole-kaboodle

- Look ! all i'm saying , Kolee, is that when you're around I feel . .. well I . . .

- !Look Prof !? why don't yer just shut-the-fukup ffs ! ?innit

Monday, 25 July 2016

GARDENERS WILLED

- Do you have something to tell me, Kolee, about your latest project ?

- No Sikment ! I aint actually

- So there is no narrative development here then, K.. with your previously walled (in) gardeners becoming willed gardeners, on their consequential demise.

-

- All of which leave rather a sour taste in the mouth, do you not agree, ?Ms. ?Ynnit

-

Dear Ms ?Ynnit

my brother and me we been gardeners for quite a long time now. it was something we were determined to be and so it has been so.
nevertheless we get a bit pissed with folk telling us what to do, where to be
howto do it, when to go bla-de-bla !!
Dont ? ! you just feel sometimes you want people to just leave you
alone. eh, Ms?Y ; don't you ?
All best

will & will gardener

(Dear w gardeners )

( K ?Y (ms.) )

Sunday, 24 July 2016

   Thing of Beauty

He had wanted to tell her
how privileged he felt
to have known her,

but his lack of education
and
his shocking sense of direction

meant that privilege
end on a   privy ledge
of a public menace

who lived next door,
in The Roundabout Flats ,
upon the 17th floor.

Standing on that ledge,
he thought he spotted her
on the pavement below.

Not one to forget his manners,
he resolved to go

and say hello .

STEEMIN ONKYL



- WTF ! ! ? innnit ? ! Why ?you still writin' stuff like that about u and me !

- Look !Kolee it's allegorical, metaphorical, you don't need to take everything so literally

-

- All I wanted to say . ..

- Oh I know what you wanted to say ; get me all exsited so you can have your wicked way
wiv I .. . but wot i dunt get, why dew hav to to do it in a bog ? ! innit

- Sorry ! Kolee, I have absolutely no . .

- NO !!Sik its prety obviamente to me , that this geeza is using that nextdoorgeezas bog
even tho' theres a publik loo close by -aparente - and theres 17 floors ?yeah on
a bleedin' roundabout spinnin' like fukin' zebadee on mushes and well no wonder ! this
geeza loses is balanse and ends up back on the bog , pukin' up sindood ( ? ! innit )

- So that's your evaluation of my .. . . of that piece then ? !

-

- Is that what you really think ?

-