Whether it is nobrainer in the night to sulphur the slugs and arias of outrageous furrowin'  
or just to tell Kolee ?Ynnit (ms) to shut-the-fuck-up about this hole aspidistrous shemessigan 
surroundin'  a mat(t)ress splittin',   and not to drag out a professor at some ungodly hour,
well, only lime would till, and wise men bog to differ    suresure         .
Which meant, to all intents and purposes, that Professor Sikment Loyne was as confused 
as you and I  (!and that's saying nothing )

The nubshot of all of this cahootin' was that at just after 4.30am, as the sun was a-welkin' westward 
 -  O! such tymes !we do live in  -   Prof Loyne was wading in a morass of widgemulch 
and listening aphidly to Ms ?Ynnit's beda'libbin' diatribe.





!Well its like .. .






BUT(t) no!, not yet  it isn't, ?Ynnit(ms), for Loyne stop her dead in her trunks, allowing him, us, 
to explain to all of you, listeners, readers, that the person about to give her account of
a mat(t)'ress splitin'   be  indeed  a  certain  Kolee ?Ynnit(ms),  but(t) not as we might know her.
For, either as a result of her ongoing traumatisation, or because she has been kidding us all along in
fickle affectation, Kolee is now speaking in a manner akin to Hurricane's fair lady, or, rather, 
on an allotment intended as a meating place for the professor and his Eliza Dobedobedobelittled .



















So ?what's with this  mat(t)ress splittin',   Ms. ?Ynnit  














butt when ?Ynnit inquired of Loyne   IF   he might be into 
              splitting a mattress with herself, 
the professor did not wish to infinitvely split heirs about ?Y's knotted grammar, whether it be right or wrong to stress the 
IF & butt & ?Y's knots  and,  besides, it was  a tad inclement out there - he had no great desire to munkle further the misery of Winter - and Sikment was pitching a sickness in the pits of his stomach, alongside a stirring in the netherRegions, which, for Loyne, had for so long seemed something forlorn,  
slavishly lovelorn   too  .  
butt that take him gracelessly into grassy-nee-greasy memories 
best left to wash up in some half-hybrid, Hebridean trawlertrash. 
another story  of  course   that might be told in   darker, danker tymes.

as for now  splitting a mattress  seemed just the way to go       
    suresure .

yet if ever a 2-way conversation were a one-way conversation, they'd be now erectin' an enormling  No Entry  sign at this very moment, 
with ?Ynnit's and/or Loyne's features flit-large in flashin' neon, accordin' to interpretation   .



 K ?Y(ms)  :  butt ! bring a blade   innit

  S L(prof)   :  
    K ?Y(ms)  :  were  splitin a  mat(t)'ress

  - - --  --

  K ?Y(ms)  :  in a sweedish  way    ( !that is  )


well  Loyne being Loyne, godhearted-hardhearted, with sexual undertones being ever more prescient than a dirtyFergalSharkeyvideo,
he grudgingly come to the conclusion that  mat(t)'ress splitin'
be  NOT  euphemism.
so  humping hardheart2hardhat  he prepare for the bratwust, succrumbing there to the inevitable;
(and) becoming a sheepish meetball @ The Noo Ikea  @  Luton

     
  K ?Y(ms)  :  in a  sweedish  way    (  that is!  )
   

 - --- -
   

 K ?Y(ms)  :  meat me  @  me alotment   innit
                       AND
                       !! bring  ya  fukkin   blade        !?



y'see prof being prof (as  tiresomely  we now know) Loyne had lined up the prospect of being led around that Scandinavian Sinferno in dogcollar(plus chain) (and, if truth be known, was not entirely discomforted by that image ) or being pushed around the place by 
?Ynnit in a shopping trolley - he'd already slit his wrists at that point - until the pinny dropped and he understood - !!WTF? -
that they'd be  splitin' a mat(t)'ress  down at Kolee's al(l)otment




       DOWN AT KOLEE'S AL(L)OTMENT          
                                              I

   
        on  er  alotment
                                   
                                                                                   kolee   show  loyne  wot she  meen
                                                                                                   
                                                    by   the  sweedish way

     
        for  she  gon and dug  up  all  er  sweeds
                                                                                     
                                               put  em  in  a  dish

                                                                 then   wayed   em
                         
                         M. (n)NITE  YOKELS   /
   yokel   O ! no /
        BryanEpstein



                     
                  DOWN AT KOLEE'S AL(L)OTMENT
                                             I I



never one to munch birds or regrane from callin  a  blade  a  blade Kolee ?Ynnit(ms), her nicotine lashes flaying in the chillbreeze like venetian blinds in a Sami tent, castigate Sikment Loyne(prof) 
for unsloshing his bladder at the broken, al(l)otment fence, 
rather than slipping out his hammer and nails.   
  ya cud hav soked me sweeds   at ! the very leest    innit   
cry a rutabaga-bagged Kolee, waying up the matter in an instant.
As always when telling off the pondersome professor she started to whistle, which then transmogged into the Yoik caterwail which Sikment had installed as her ringtone;  except, ?Ynnit being ?Ynnit, whenever she yoiked she consistently  missed the lead consonant.  
And so the sound that ended up coming out of her mouth would have been more at home on The Pissbeer Terraces at Phoenix FC.

Loyne would be pretty hacked off at this juncture, 
butt didn't care to show it. 
    




             







                                                                                         











  
where  kolee  ask  sikment  
                                                            if  he  want  to  split  a  mattress  
                                                                            
                                        with  herself
     


                       and  sikment 
                                                                                of   course


                get  hold  of  the  wrong  end  of  the  stick  entirely


















       when  we  said  the  world's  run  by  huge  lizards
       
     ?    did  we  say  they  were


                                                                                                      SWEDISH


    
David  Ickea
                                  ( Lemonn T )!Yikes!
                                                                                           Sven Sverige
  
       Henri Ma'tress / Tolouse Ma'tress
           &  TheFrenchFinnishingSchoolOfEmbeddedArt


        Lenni Henri








                                                !!  mmmmm(H)mmmmm






!Yeah
to put it simply,  USA
!Hey!
?howzitgoin'     ?   !

Although Time  poetically
stopped yesterday
- 17 / 1 / 17 -  
- well ! it just had to, ?surely -  
I/we are making this
diary entry on the 18th, 
the day after the marrow.
And solely to say hiya to all our
American friends and cuzzes
who continue to show a love
for and an interest in our work,
nay even a love interest 
for fucksake
Thanks you, those peeps,
from the bottom of our heart.

Suffice it to say that out of
the pair of us 
- Otis and Tosi Mykennel -
one of us extended our feets
to a hole-new-nadir
whereby one of us
- Otis or Tosi Mykennel -
became not so much a legend
as a leg-end
whereby one of us
- Otis and/or Tosi Mykennel -
ended up pretty much in the dogHouse.

Since one of us (a Mykennel) is 
narrator of this story, that one of us
can equally idealise an addition to
that story ( !and here tis )
from the dogHouse or no.
Butt not, !let's not hesitate to say -
take anything from its material reality.

America, we love ! you



OTIS / TOSI   MYKENNEL