Saturday, 31 December 2016
Friday, 30 December 2016
Panto liner
Aboard The SS !Wotthefuk
SIKMENT LOYNE (Prof): So help me here, Ms. ?Ynnit, butt you've booked us onto The SS !W,
we've just stuffed our faces on the SpiceOddity mealdeal,
we're both about to throw up, you over your Genegenie costume,
me over my Aladdin outfit . . ! ? ! WTF . . ?are you insane
KOLEE ?YNNIT (Ms.) : O! if yer dunt stop moanin&grownin&banginon Sik
?! so help me im goin to . .
the point is prof i was ordrin panty liners off Amazin
and next fing i no i got tikets thro me door for this shebang ?!?wtf
mind yew i thort them panty liners are a bit expensiv !LOL
Monday, 19 December 2016
profesor sikment loyne : well, exactly 5 years to the day that you started comin' 2 see me,
Ms ?Ynnit
Kolee ?Ynnit (Ms.) : Yes
profesor sikment loyne : and 35,000 visits exact if ive counted rite
Kolee ?Ynnit (Ms.) : Yes
professor sikment loyne : and in all that time so many difrent caracters
Kolee ?Ynnit (Ms.) : Yes
professor sikment loyne : its been exaustin ?!aint it
Kolee ?Ynnit (Ms.) : Yes
professor sikment loyne : ! ?d'ya think im betta than i woz
Kolee ?Ynnit (Ms.) : ! Hmmm
Wednesday, 7 December 2016
SIKMENT LOYNE : You can't just turn up
when you feel like it, you know,
and then why? so late
KOLEE ?YNNIT (ms) : cant help it ?!innit
and in your words i was feelin'
i - so -lated
LOYNE : Whilst I with so few words quite (f)ellated
?YNNIT :
LOYNE : ?!Lonely eh
?YNNIT : only as fuk
LOYNE : Then come ! at your scheduled time.
I'm here to help you thro' . . . .
with things like that
?YNNIT : yeah sure
butt so is the internet innit !
and that dont cost nuffin'
LOYNE : well only the charge to your soul
of course
?YNNIT and the soul charge to my cards
maxed up mashed out
so in the words of TammyWinette
LOYNE
?YNNIT !fukkit NO CHARGE ( ! innit )
LOYNE : !Aaaahh, yes Tammy's vignette
?YNNIT :
LOYNE : Butt why so late then ?!
?YNNIT : i had some time to kill
LOYNE: ? And thus
?YNNIT: and thus i binged summat on me laptop !? didnt it
LOYNE And thus ? !
?YNNIT : and i asked Bing sumting . . .
LOYNE : .. (!hmmm) . . ?! Had he lost all bobhope
before the golf round
?YNNIT :
?YNNIT : your ! a strange fuk sik sometime
LOYNE : !Hmm So the sumting
you ping into Bing ? !
?YNNIT : i ping into Bing ? 'did vivaldi' ?
LOYNE : .. ( Did Vivaldi ) what ?
YNNIT : nufffin ! ! just ? 'did vivaldi' ?
LOYNE : The vivacity
of the open question ?eh
?YNNIT :
LOYNE : . . (so) Did Vivaldi ? what ?
?YNNIT : oh !? did vivaldi have a big cock
there
you satisfied now ! ? are we
LOYNE : All day spent on BigKokBarok ?mmm
know it well
RedPriest meat RedBeast
?YNNIT : your a sik fuk sik sometime
no nuffin like wot ur into
i mean
only got as far as
?'did vivaldi'? innit
and it vring me 'ere
( showing laptop )
'did val die in emmerdale'
! look
witch vring me to you after a wile
LOYNE : Two points :
(1) You're 4 months tardy on appointment;
(2) Val died slowly
( Val Doonican
died in Emmerdale
after sheep had shagged his jumpers. )
?YNNIT :
LOYNE : Look ! Ms ?Ynnit,
you cant turn up
willy-nilly with your mind elsewhere.
You're more concerned
with Tony Vivaldi's ting
than keeping me informed.
?YNNIT : my susans gone
dead as a dildo
and u dont ! give a monkey's fuck
LOYNE : ?! Susan
As in your daughter, ?K
What are you saying here ! ? exactly
NARRATOR
What? was ?Ynnit saying here exactly
Here's
what she wasn't saying:
pompous shit dumbass cunt lol !shitcunt
my baby girls dead
knifed last nite
!No.
She sure wasn't saying that to Loyne
about her daughter Susan.
?YNNIT : o dont you lissen to nuffin ffs ! ?
susan !! susan giro
! gONE ! !
NOT daughter Susan
but Susan Giro.
?! Who's Susan Giro, Kolee ? !
LAST NITE THE MOON CAME
And so, on that fateful day, Wednesday December 7, 2016, exactly four months after her
scheduled appointment, Kolee ?Ynniit (Ms.) meet with Sikment Loyne (Prof.) to discuss familiar grapevine scandelabra which, a punt of prosecko plustard and the odd jape about jesu thrown into the juice, turn vine into whine and a (w)hole host of wingebug which come a-whippin' round the bench in the park where our moonstruck friends are resting.
In a melange of energy borne of something akin to syzygy or synergy
or sounds assembled by speakers built into their bench,
sounds which in an another dimension might have been a figment of Ziggy imagination or more relevantly
- and by proxy maybe -
a reinvention of the music of Roxy,
in such mix are our pair unferried and rerooted afrenzied and sourceboated,
soon fizzed up in a steam of unconsciousness in irritable-inimitable fashion
where, pooling their collected knowledge and wisdom gathered from the
schoolofhardcocks, disrespectively, ?Ynnit and Loyne manage disagreement and agree to quiver, especially when confronted by the oblivious (nee obliferous) truth that exactly four months before, on Sunday August 7, 2016, on National Sisters' Day in fact, a certain Susan Giro did seem to appear thrice plus once to ?Ynnit and Loyne ( apparently)
but mainly to Kolee ( of course. )
As mist unfold and steam take hold on that fanciful day in December, it emerge that this
certain Susan G be anything butt to anyone butt Kolee.
You see, to all intents and purposes,
Susan be
a spirit ,
or what be commonly termed
a spectre spook supernatural seraph sprite sprightliness sparklehorse scenesteeler stirrer striving stuff stunt spunk stoutheart substance
The Other Side of Life ( rehash )
how should I feel ? ? what can I say
at length tall tales
show us differently.
places fondly recalled.
particular places
unforgettable.
we've gone far and wide now.
yet then we were young
and so unsatisfied.
butt she comes and goes
the other side of life;
sheltering only though.
we share special times,
stumble and fall.
think to wave me a sign of life.
butt she comes and goes
the other side of life;
sheltering only though.
Yes
Susan be
spirit
spectre spook supernatural seraph sprite sprightliness sparklehorse scenesteeler
stirrer striving stuff stunt spunk stoutheart substance
or
lackofit
Being a bit of a prof, Sikment is avid for antonym sooner than synonym, especially when there are seventeen (or so) of them, and finds talk of Giro appearing to ?Ynnit on that fruitful day in August - and in days hence (apparently) - well as irrelevant as a dole snoop. At this juncture it is proper for it to slip Loyne's mind that Susan might also have appeared to him on that quintessential Sisterdaysunday, if somewhat surreptitiously.
And it be perfectly the case that a punt of prosecko help in this regard.
As an eavesdropper on this pair of drooling doppelgangers, and aided notably by points of scribblepiss in Kolee's scrawlpad, I can at this stage reveal to readers, and listeners,
how events did unfold on SusanSunday (let's say) in relation to Kolee ?Ynnit (Ms.)
and, to a lesser degree (let's say), Sikment Loyne (Prof.)
the surgeon of the night sky restores dead things by the power of sound
SusanSunday
Around 4am give or take : ?Ynnit(Ms.) and Loyne(Prof.), sleeping in distant beds, find themselves weirdly embroiled in the exactsame dream near-as-dammit
04.32 precisely : Loyne wakes from his sleep with a start and, as we are all wont to do, looks at the time on his illuminated alarm clock.
04.40 exactly : ?Ynnit wakes from her slumber with a jolt and,
as we are all wont to do, checks the time on her illuminated alarm clock. She takes this opportunity to text The Professor regarding the disturbing nature of TheDream. The consequence&purpose of this action be two-fold: (1) It allow Kolee to spread her angst around a bit; (2) It prevent Sikment from being able to put TheDream completely out of his mind which, for all manner of reasons, he may have wished to do.
Ms. Ynnit's text or, to be more precise, her sequence of 17 texts, spells out in no certain terms the form and content of her, indeed their Dream.
The setting is a football ground on Pillow Lane, home of FC Phoenix. The club is hosting a testimonial game, the proceeds of which will go to two deserving causes: (1) The families of victims of
The Barbie Tragedy, when a rogue truffle pig knocked over a barbecue stand which fell into a crate of fireworks, mostly constituting rockets pointed towards an idling ice-cream van which just happened to be sheltering sleeping terrorists and their cache of explosives; (2) the family of Rigobert Snag, local bookmaker's clerk, who had laid odds of 1 billion to one against The Barbie Tragedy ever happening, and who subsequently-and-mysteriously 'disappeared into thin air' when a truffle pig farmer came in to collect his winnings.
Blue Period / Light on Water
04.44 (approx): Prof Loyne receives the 4th of 17 texts from Ms. Ynnit - ! AND THATS NOT 'ALF OF IT !
further undermining his re-acquaintance with shuteye.
He will later try to underplay the significance of his kneejerk text response - Shit ! This is blinking bonkers
by maintaining that he sent that text in his sleep and he'd meant to write bankers butt, Sikment being Sikment, he surely forgot about his (deleted) sequential text
- Sooo wide awake noo . . U & ME ! SOME DREEM .. . shit
Around 5.30am give or take : Both ?Ynnit and Loyne are now wholly
cognisant of the indisputable truth that they have both been present in pretty much the same dream at pretty much the same time.
And that, according to this shared dream, ?Ynnit is standing with her young daughter Susan watching the charity game from The Pissbeer End of Pillow Lane when a fight breaks out at 4.32pm according to the Phoenix clock. Referee Loyne wades in to break up the scrimmage, and sends off 5 players before being poleaxed by the f(a)langed fist of the dismissed keeper, Vinnibryk Shithooz.
Then at 4.40pm according to the Phoenix clock - the time the referee would normally be looking to blow the final whistle - after roughly 8 minutes of frenzicuffery, there is an unexpected hiatus on the park; the remaining bloodsplattered players are, all 17 of them, like the still poleaxed Loyne, frozen in time.
As one the crowd chant
SUSAN ! SUSAN!! SUSAN!!! SUSAN!!!!
At this Susan ?Ynnit jumps over the security fence and does a lap of honour around the perimeter of the pitch, blowing kisses to an apparently adoring crowd.
However, the true object of the crowd's adulation is a girl now standing in the centre-circle. She is a dark-haired, tragic beauty,
dressed in an Italian-style, orphan smock, much as The ?Ynnits wore
at last New Year's Lost and Foundling fancy-dress bash.
The girl waves a popish hand to the fans, which be the signal for them to morph, as one, into a camouflaged lambretta gliding on an incantation of We-r-TheKrazeeGang-&-We're-here-2-entertain-U
in barely-murmured, stalebreatheLatin,
much like Kolee's well-remembered, Communion priest.
The spell is broken by the dulcet tones of ?Ynnit(Ms.), who
scraterwail ! fuk YEH!, a klamklang echoed cryptically by Loyne
(Prof.), sitting up temporarily on the touchline, before returning to the prone position.
DREAM THEORY IN MALAYA
Sitting at home
thinkin' of her
he wrapped a sow's ear in a silk purse
As was his wont,
Professor Sikment Loyne licked his lips
langubrously
before lingering in a labiad breakfast.
He thought long and hard on Kolee ?Ynnit (Ms.),
on their dream experiences earlier
(!so much earlier) that morning,
and marvelled at K's capacity to recall detail
in great detail
and/or
to just make shit up.
He was about to ponder whether she'd dreamed
about them dreaming
up a scheme where one might enter the dream
state by dreaming
about it
or alternatively
and then the phone rang.
!It was Kolee again
and it was to do with Susan (Giro) !again
holdonholdon f y i forfuksake innit
b4 prof u start projectilin ur shit on my shit
b4 we get 2 fukkin isterikal about all this istorikal stuff
and wot u go banginon about prof ffsbullshit-fyi
all the words in yer fukkin edgewaze tyme
that histry is made up by folk who have the means
to make shit up and peeps who have the gains from those
means wot have been made up shit
so if anyone just make shit up prof
its U innit
!?y know wot i mean
so
freefings ere noe freefings
first kunt woz U called me that mornin on SusanSisterDay
u had to 2 coz u named it that day
i didnt know jakshit about that wot it was called
and B
susangiro was UR girl
even b4 she come to find me
U made 'er
U made it with er
the 2 of u u gettin all pallydooly
in sum weerdshitstuff
b4 she come to me
and realise its me she mean to be with
me she want 2see2elp2save
ME ! forfuksake
cuzz neetha of u couldnt andle with it innit
those consekwenshals
witch is wen u fukeroff & she fuk off
so thats got that strait then
innit
Sunday, 4 December 2016
when Dylan - half-pissed -
mistake song therapist for sex therapist,
! bliss
and his carousing
of I'm all over now ! BabyBlew
! arousing
when Dylan ( half - assed )
receive from the gibbering class
the nobel-lit-prize,
he untangle himself from Blew,
think not twice butt additions to
( ? ) thrice
then ask the hippy nostalgiens
the open-ended-question :
wwwwwwwwwwwwwwww ! ? why ?
when Dylan's exhibition
be trashed
by anti - hippynostalgiens
who scrawl on the pictures
?! should Art be in bed with
arms manufacture ! ?
The Man launch a tirade of invective
- half-cock -
against the culprits ;
texting these words
to a loved one :
It's alright ! MWAH! (I'm only bleeping)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)