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Thursday, 28 February 2013

    @ the bbc 
  they tries to put all the bollocks behind  'em.      
                                on discovering that john steinbeck still has the capability of writin' a good 'ole  page-turner
                                despite bein' 6 foot under,  they commissions him to write  a follow-up to the 60's TV series
                                BONANZA :

                        The Grapes of Hoss

          episode 1

       Adam Cartwright :     !  ?Wot u got in yer pants, son
       Little Joe               :     Hoss' grapes ,   pa    !    Hoss' grapes
       Adam Cartwright :      Ur sayin' u've got yer brothers grapes in yer cottonpickin' pants     ?
       Little Joe           :    !Yep siree
        Adam Cartwright :     Oh  !   I see  

                    the gripes of (Boo)hiss                   ( a BooRadleys / hiss holinesss prod.)

     (mis)understandins  abound about the Kammerleg(PM) (and matters related):  

1.  when the Folks-with-Money writ to us and asked whether i/we'd be intrested in making
     Titanik II,  they thort we was james cameron
2.  we didnt realise they was bangin on about a  real  boat, but thought it was to do with
     producing a sequel to the film  Titanik                                              innit
3.  we misread  Titanik II  (TWO) as  Titanik 11 (ELEVEN )  !!   (wich  in popular culture, a.k.a
                                                                                                         OH!SHIT?ELEVEN!!  )
4.  on a count of this  we deside to in vest all our energy to makin  10!TEN)  sekwels 
     to the orijinal film,  which was  kwite 'ard work                      innit
     partic 'cos  Katie & Leo were busy shoppin     so this ment me and Him/ theKammerleg (PM)
     had to do everything ,   ink. (the)Acting.

5.  in making 10 follow-ons, we 'av2 do katie & leo's love scene 10 diferent times (!at least )
     and in 10 different cars - so as to hold onto some continuity with the orijinal.
     Thus,  as a minimum, mum's mini might do, then there's Kolee's 2CV,  Jurgen's (Klinsman) VW Beetle, 
     the Popemobile  (of curse!)  .  ...   
6.  again - quite 'ard work,  him and Me being conjoinedatthegroin twins ! 'n all
7.  Kammerleg aside,  ther are just 3 principal charachters  in  Titanikthemovies:
     TighterNik ;  LooserNik ;  ArserNik
8.  there aint no iseberg in the seaquell(s).   insted, the boat hits an oil tanker in the gulfWar            innit 

9.  we toy with some inventive dialogg:

       -  ! I'm in love with a bookmaker
        -  Well better to be in love with someone who makes books   than someone who writes them
        -  Do you think   ?   Do you really think so
        -  I know so        !
                                                                 -  ! I'm in love with a jockey
                                                                 -  Flat  ? or jumps 
                                                                 -  Don't! be silly,  we haven't gone that far yet  !  We've only known each other 
                                                                    for the duration of this war  .... . this  OH -  SO  - LONG  war  . .. !Oh               (cries)


reprod. c/o
KOLEE ?YNNIT (ms)  -    A Felloe of          ERRR   by   L E A F L I T S  ink. (IT.)!
                                                          Enjoy  Romeing  Round  Roam  (Italy)
                                                                             Lerning  English  As  a  ForthLanguage
                                                                             to  Improvin  Talkin  and  Speekin    !         

NIK  YESMOLTEN                                                                            by kind permission of
                                                                           !SHADDAP-A  U  GRACE  promotions
                                                                           JoeDolceSauces           ink.


Wednesday, 27 February 2013

we stem our tears  as  Allen Kar,  ChattyMan    employ  a  prolonged and intriguing haiku  
                                                                  as the perfect vehicle  in which to say  !tarraa   2 the entertainment game 

(YearZero )
 fif - teen       s  y  l  a  b  l  e  s                                                          2               emit   /  (v)omit

                   just       fif - teen                               s  y  l  a  b  l  e  s                                     O         !      

                                                                                                                          fuk                  it
                                                                                                                                           ( YearMinus)

Alice Klarr                    mikel E sonnyt                                                                I.T. MkNoyesnel
                                                                The jurgen klinsman volkswagen RepairCenter

 ..  .  if U admit to 15 silly-bulls,   then Come to Spain,     !    !    chatty-man ,     Come to Spain

                            Give! a shout-out 4 Bloodsports
                            generalisimo  Frankie Franko &  His fightingchance
                            Saga Resistance Breaks

        home of javier bardem,   star of     The C Inside    -   a profound commentary  on  unspeakable goings-on
                                                                                                          within   la iglesia Catolika    



Sunday, 24 February 2013

                                        Benedictus  encriptus 

* from below -  13 / 2 / 13 

   Put simply, a pigeon ( KOO ) can't really explain how a bird and a pope can hit it off so well ..
The Lore of Attraction    work in ways misteriosos, ?eh 
Though let us say this: If you listen to any pigeon's song     anytime          anywhere 
                                              you'll hear the same cry  :
   MY POPE BLEEDS   BENNY      MY POPE BLEEDS  BENNY           MY POPE BLEEDS   BENNY             OOOH  !            (YEAH ) 

This cry has reverberated  really   since  TimeImmoral   of course    and  - here important -   precursed the inevitable relationship betwixt a Pope ( ME)   and a Pigeon  (KOO.)     . .               .      ! Allow us to explain     please  ...  
The call of  our dear friends  Columbidae   is, as you will note,  of  16  syllable in length  -  always .    Just one syllable 
   short   of  our dear friend   THE HAIKU  ( HI - KOO )  and  thus  so close to my birdfriend  Koo   it's not true   . . .
although it is       as I've told you  . 

Furthermore,  because Song  essentially brought  bird & benedict  together   it was also inevitable that  Song  - i.e. the  ActOfSinging  - would,  like a priest hole hold a priest,  sustain us there too.  Bearing that in mind,  Me & koo recorded our own rendition of              Lungs Will Keep Us Together   (Monks y Tenile / Lt.Monkiesyne/Sedaka )
-   from     3 - 2 - 1  !  LUNGE :  SOUNDS FROM THE KEEP   ( PBXVI / Koo / Young )    -
& inc.                                                                                                                                                                            naturally
                                        lungs will tear us    Apart     ( !again  )      ( Keltis / Griffin /   TheBoyleSisters)

From whither            under the tutelage of  Arvo Part      
                              and the cartilage of   Moly Tin Knees
                                and the underage of  YeSilentMonk   
              we put together  CoverVersions  of  Simon & Tenykels'    the silence of silence 
- from   PSYCHIC SALLY ON THE ROOD   ( Frog/French )                                                         -

 and whence   Lords elton of john/ Benny toe-pin   give permits for   K & B
                               to re-model                       THONG FOR GUY
                                                                    CUDDLE IN THE WINGS
                                              KROKODILE FROCK     ( leading into  KROKODILE TEARS  
 -  from     EVERYTHING AND NOTHING :  THE VATIKAN TAPES     ( The Nixon Family)                                                    -

maximas  tibi  gratias  ago        (  Maxim ,  thank you 4 the Vaseline sent   !oh-so-many-moons-ago)      !
Yours indubiously
                    So-So Benny  (the so-and-so )
               bene  admodum  ( Benny-on-His-laptop)

in the light of uneven mood cycles    the shrink suggest   a mystery tour of serbia  
                               might be  just what the doctor ordered  
   Feeling low.      Hit the road.
                                                        Could end up    Novi Sad.
                          Cheer you up           !                      not   so            bad

 BradleyWiggins & SusanBarker
LanceArmstrong & RonnieBarker        Kolee ?Ynnit(ms) & Sikment Loyne

             The Crude Sea   - Niky Monselet      ( abridged)

               you call me    friend Caspian
                                                                               I call you           
                                                                                              Cocksuckingcuntfaced companion
                                                  jack hawkins                                                              Captain jack sparra'

                              wot i meen  is    'ow long must it av took em 2nock up a Bridge  over a sea   !?    innit
     jon Terry

                                   Not so long  when you train an AKA-47  on them     !

(  Lineke-Motsyn :  Doesn't he mean an  AK-47,   M-L
    Motsyn-Lineke :  Well,  L-M,  an  AKA-47  is likely to be an  AK-47  A.K.A   AK-47      in many ways 
    Lineke-Motsyn :  So they're one and the same  ? then
    Motsyn-Lineke :  Not really, no.     )


     Fuckoff  ! Terry
                                     WAYNE BRIDGE


                                                         The Koo'd  C

                                THE POPE CAN  ?!    CAN'T hE
                                                                   THE POPE CAN    !?  CAN'T hE
                                                                                                                                          (you ! Can't )
                                  Ry Kooder                Dr. Koo                             Lieutenant Pigeon
                                                                                                                   Lt. Monkiesyne   
                                                                     the Doc                                                    

the  StopThePigeon  movement                            Monty le sinke                Jonathans King, Ross, Dimbleby
Airport Way,      Kroydon                                                                                    
                                                                                                                    reg dwight  
  SpandauBallet & Nick Griffin
                                        YE SILENT, MONK :                                                                                                                 


                     !   HOLY FUCK           !             
                                                              (   date with-held  )

                  OF LATEST  SEX SCANDAL

Conjoinedatthegroin twins Kammerleg (PM) , talking from the security of their country retreat(s),
spoke about the latest  sex  shit-to-hit-the-fan :
To be honest !  speak  TheKammerleg    Not to beat about the bush and without spittinghares  
!let me / us just say this :
He is wholly unaware of the latest sex issue    and so is he   !   We mean to say this: 
he might like to go to one kind of party; whilst He might favour another  
And, to be perfectly blunt, both parties are so most likely to be full to the rafters ! in shit-heads and fuckups   .....  .   .
So you can imagine our difficulty at  ..  we/I  mean  ..  well.  ?!what becomes of anyone's sex issue(s) on such occasion  is anyone's guess     really         .
At such a difficult time as this,  ? is it any real surprise to hear talk of  ..  a bloody split        dear  ! 

Milo/Moli Tenensky     
                                               Ole/Leo Nitemynks               
                                                                                                                                                                    Jilly/Henry Kooper

                                                            oscar Pistorius   v.   theHoleworld
                                       MEDIA FRIENDLESS                     NO!         
                                                                                                                     Sien Komently

Saturday, 23 February 2013

dearest Koo

Your debauchingly long story - *see Wed. Feb 13 -  about your relationship with HisHoliness  was neither funny nor politically apt.

I take personal offence at your remarks and would seek to protect the Pope from attack, in the same way that I would defend general Pinochet,  
as indeed any other so-called Fascist leader begining with a  P

yours most humbly

Paroness  Hilda Thatcher

Ps:   my Dennis had a good ole' laugh at your comments about my statue in Grantham         

A scene at The Rovers Return,  Coronation Street,  Greater Manchester   . ...

BARMAN:               What can I get you ?,  Hilda 

PARONOID HILDA OGDEN: Oooh  I'll have a pint of  Scarf&Duck  ta  chuck  and  ..
                      oooh  same for the grim reaper 'ere               and . ..
                      oooh  I felt a right chill  then   chuck          and.. .
                      oooh  that maggie thatcher stands reet be'ind me  and .  .
                      oooh  giv 'er a G&T !to keep 'er quiet  ta  chuck ---

  scene :  The Crack Re-run  @   TheQueenVicAlbert Square,   lesserlondon

PARANNOYED PHIL MITCHELL:     oy  grant   ! ?     U got sum krak
PARA NERD GRANT MITCHELL:    yo                  I'll giv U sum krak             !!                       KUNT


Tuesday, 19 February 2013

!Mire  *

KOO's lengthy address - See entry, Wed. 13.2.13 - is really what you might expect, 
when all's said and done ..
For in that overblown way so redolent of the genus Columba-Columbo,  KOO is trying to crack a peanut with a mitre, ! treating a commoncold as if it's BirdFlu,
wrapping a detective's lollipop in a shabby raincoat .. .
And, in these troubled Times, that is neither helpful nor useful


*   !Mire     as in  !Mir-eh      as in   well !Lookey here     ..
       .. .   . NOT   as in  Mire    as in   (the) Mire  into which one might/might have descend(ed) / plunge(d) 


Wednesday, 13 February 2013

                  On the news that his bones are  discovered under a car park in Leicester,
 Dicky III pronounce his first  and last   Haiku:
                                                                                    FINDUS KEEPERS
I     Richard III     roar:
                             A horse     !       A horse  !      my Tesko
                                                                                                  car park   for  a horse      ! 
        r III                                                                          ( jim morrison / shergar /mister ed   ed.

                     Year of  The Rat ..  ? ? .  .   Year of The Horse ..  ...
              . ..  Year of  Anything that has ever had a pulse, shared a pulse,
                                                                 or been in the vicinity of a pulse             !
         & REAGAN

                       Pope on a rope

      Pope Benedict XVI -
                             just one  PopeBenedict
            short of Seventeen;
                                 one step removed
from fascist recluse                               facile abuse
                    and  yes!,                   the   High  -  Koo

 Ye Silent Mo(n)k / In Myne Kloset
       Benny hill
        Dick emery,   Dick chainy
                                albert einstein, albert titlock
    sarah beeny

           ...  He said
                god will take care of those that help themselves
                         but you look pretty screwed, send a letter . .        
                                   Mojave 3 :  Return to Sender    (Excuses for Travellers)
 Emissary to His Holiness


                    Koo'sHead  considers whether attachment is all it's cracked up to be

                    but   nonetheless   decides to rejoin  Koo's  body 
                    in order to speak to The Nation  ..  
                     -  well,  anybody's who's listening      really 

Mmm ..   hello!
Look  I'd like to begin by referring to something Pastor Henry Frog touched on the other day in one of his 
televised sermons.  He was speaking about cross-species copulation, and quoted from his latest work :
      It's gone on since TimeImmoral of course, this   cross-species how's-yer-Father
                                                            -       nadine             jim davidson                        france         .  .. .   .
      I'm wholly aware it's always been with us  and probably always will be.  
      All I'm saying is    I just don't want it in my backyard   thankUverymuch!
                                                                         from    PastorHenryFrog :  Not in my vetch ! (you don't)

Okay, so before you jump down my neck and accuse me of having a cheap dig at the Frog, let! me say this.  When it comes to   cross-species howsyerfather   there is one obvious example - plucked from the deep-welled anals of history - that PHF didn't care to mention .. perhaps because it bear a legacy
of such cultural significance.
I refer of course  to an (in)famous episode of  Animal Magic,  that much-loved BBC TV show which first appeared on our screens back in April, 1962.
In this particular episode, an animal revealed its magic when it demonstrated, to hundreds of viewers, the "especial love" it felt for the TV presenter.   The  Affair of RingoTheChimp  just happened to be caught on camera by a young Werner Herzog  - who just happened to be in the studio  -  
all  shaky-hand-held-moisty-eyed   and with a thirst for all things bestial;  the film would become 
the cult favourite ( with those who favoured cults)   I LOVE YOU ! JOHNNY MORRIS - The Director's Cut

                                                       Look!  What  RingoTheChimp  did to Morris wasn't great   .. 
                                           but(t)  .  .... THAT  BASTARD  MONKEY NICKED  MY  DRUM-STICKS   ! ! 
                                                                   PETE BEST                                                                                                                                                                                   
                                          Georgie Best

                    hey,!Pete sory to hear about yer troubles man,
            !Hope ya know i wooden stoop as low as to steel yer sticks  Man
                                                            MICKY  DOLENZ

 . .  . Mmmm  .. thanks ! lads  . .

Okay,  at this point I need to come clean .. explain to you (all) just how this cross-species  HowzyaFather
is of relevance here   now     to me       and to you   as you listen to me.
Well it all comes down to the Pope, y'see. ...    BENEDICT XVI   .   .   ..
The thing is this:  I was approached by Benny .. well, strictly by Benny's protection agency.
PopeOnTheRopes.    POTR  got in touch with me   well   me, Sikment Loyne  and  PastorHenryFrog  
 - they obviously knew we were in cahoots, the three of us.    They'd heard of our cutting-edge study
of deluded TV psychics,  Kolin Fry - Sick Sense  .. and they had watched Frog's recent series
God Squat : Faith in the modern world
On account of this work, they thought we were the ones to support Benny through His troubles.
But it didn't quite pan out as intended.   Sik got caught up with ?Ynnit   .. .   Kolee ?Ynnit(Ms.)  . .
and the Pastor had got himself mixed up in some nefarious activities  ..  .  Oh, y'know ,  
real croak and dagger stuff.
So   Benny got me    just me.  And that turned out to be a real coup,  for one of us  at least  .  .
Let's cut to the chase then !? shall we      
Koo and PBXVI hook up,  we get it together    yes.  

I meet the Pope.   And I know not if this makes a whiff of sense but in that first meeting   
I'm sensing something,  like I'm smelling a rat,  or getting a beak-full  of  Nazi nostalgia   perhaps  .
Of course, I wouldn't be so hardnosed as to compare this relationship with the   Ringo-Morris kaboodle
but us pigeons - winged rats , so called  -  have always had a taste for the distasteful,
a rational take on the irrational,   a winged rat allied to a wingless rat   let it be said  ... .
Well  here, the Rat Himself;   The Rat Sinner,  as He is known to me    fondly.
As there we all are, in situ ;  Koo  &  Koo'sHead corrupting  the Head  of a corruptinstitution.

RatSinner   -  The Pope  -    PBXVI       is especially ambivalous about all the fuss 
surrounding The Catholic Church now  and through History. 
Just as  (apparently)  we can't change priests and altar boys,  hide from the fact that  priest holes
have a contemporary feel,  then neither can we really blame the CatholicChurch for being
in cahoots with the Nazis.  In this regard, The Church did everything in its power to make them
( the Nazis) feel unwelcome; It shuttered the windows, sealed up the chimneys, shored up the
priest holes . ... even changed the locks.  The Nazis however, being erudite  and  one  step   ahead
at all times, had collected all the keys ever made in all the world. If it took them the duration of
TheWar to be able to open a church door   then so be it   !  open it they would 
And thus  the Catholic hierarchs, impressed by this Nazi resolve, would free up some sacramental
wine, and toast new-found friendship  and good, safe surfing  in  Kalifornia   .

I meet ThePope.  By accident or necessity  !?  who's to say      Or underneath,  a  Hand at play

I can tell you this  though :  In the fist instance  Benny couldn't have been further from my mind
in all honesty.  
I'm talking about the day when all of this kicks off    a typical, lazydull Sunday, one of those days 
when Futility fight hard to ward off the attentions of an amorous gas oven.  
For want of something better to do,  I had  intended to write to  GUANTANAMO,  to ask permission to organise a  fly-past    in honour of personal freedom and human rights.
By some typingerror, I ended up in communication with  CUANTANAMO..  . . ?!wellwouldntUknow
the  Campaign for Unity of Agreement Not to Trouble Actual and Notable Agents of the Moral Order
A clerical error in  CUANTANAMO's  reply indicated an absence of Agreement and a literal
provocation, but the long and short of it was that I had signed up with an undercover, dating agency,
where, unbeknownest to me, I was just one divider away from  Pope Benny  XVI :
Koo's file entered in  Koo / Q de file  curiously; the Pope posited in  Pope / P de file     ominously
We were doomed to meet , I guess.     A marriage made in Haven
-  that is Milford Haven, Wales, where  CUANTANAMO  have their administrative center  . ..

Now I realise that Benny and I aren't the most obvious match in the world. 
First of all, there's the godthing y'see,  I mean I've never had any time for that stuff . . .. the closest
I've been to TheAlmighty ! is when I s(h)at on Maggie Thatcher's statue in Grantham.  
Well I got the most almighty shock too  I can tell you  when I heard this  voice,  like the statue was speaking to me like, or me to it ..  perhaps? it was The BirdOfGod   as such   
No, all I know is it was all too much for a disbelieving pigeon to take in ; thus I quickly decided 
to spread-me-wings/sling-me-'ook / flightthegoodflight 'n all,  and fuckoff outa there 
with the cleanest pair of heels you can imagine  .

Then there's the age thing, of course.  Naturally an old man (PB XVI )  gettin' it togetha
with an old pigeon ( KOO)  may seem inappropriate  . ...    .

Butt you're probably wondering how we make it work, Benny & I  ?!
Okay, there's a song which we pigeons sing  that will shed some light on this riddle.
Goes something like this :
MY POPE BLEEDS   BENNY             MY POPE BLEEDS   BENNY               MY POPE BLEEDS   BENNY              ! OOOH
You'll have heard it.      Every pigeon   the world over  ..   .
                                                                                                          * see above -  24/2/13