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Thursday, 31 May 2012

                         OLY ! SEE                            (pre-apocalypse) 

                                Leeks  om  OlySee
                                soltien
                          telkinloose itelyen              
                                                                      (Italian journalist defends Vatican leeks)

                            
                               Leekyleek sleek    enk
                                      ketolik letolyk-sik
                      ! mmmm        meet 'n too sek!
                                                         (The Catholic Church will always be into its 
                                                                                             meat and two veg,  of which the tasty leek
                                                                                                                                       is a vital component)
                     YE SILENT MONK
                


Wednesday, 30 May 2012

                          TEL INKEST LEMESON      -    THE LEVESON ENQUIRY 
      ( translated from the original  TONIK   by   KLOSET ENNYMI )


                          We find the doc seated before the tribunal and in the way of giving evidence :
DOC:  ..   Yes ... we were talking about the  press and ethics, were we not?     Okay, so Jean Hackman had ostensibly     
           organised a night out in Colchester for the  Jumpers  crew .. it was a bonding thing, y'know   ..  and Kelostemy Inn 
           was shut down by Health and Safety  .. and Colchester's not a million miles from MK . . Milton Keynes .. ?is it .  . .
          well, anyhoo   Hol y ! Skunk  had got  . .. ..     interrupted 
LORD HATCHETT : interrupting   I'm really not sure that a night out in Ethics  .. I mean Essex .. is any business of this court !     
D : Well, funny! you should say that, m' lord .. What if I was to tell you just what Hol y ! Skunk had actually got wind of?  
H : Mmmm,  go on!
D : Okay.. that the Colchester shindig was a front for a most secret parlay in the castle where a cunning plan would be 
      hatched which would turn Jumpers upside down .. and inside out .. turning  Jumpers  into .. !Jumpers! , of course
H : Mmm, of course ! puzzled     Go on!, please
D : And that those traumatic events which occurred at The Inn ..   D & H together: !Jumpers! ... yes . .  .. 
     . . those events involved underthetablebackhanders, secretmikes, illegaljohns, loose talk typed taped and toped.
     Not to mention all the deception surrounding the inspirational use of  Tonik  ..  and of course,  THAT film that put 
    the shits up your lords and ladyships  .. !sorry ..   I mean gave you all the heebiejeebies   
H : !Oh heebyjeebys oh rather ! hah hawhaw !    Oh yes, the one I watched late last night with those little girls in bellboy 
     uniforms  . .  yes it was rather  .. RATHER!!  ..  interrupted
D : interrupting        quickly   NO ! NO    I'm referring of course to those terrible and tragic events at Kelostemy Inn.
H : Yes .. Yes, of course you were .. . haha . . lol        silence        furtive glances        quickly  Do go on, doc,  please ! do go on









Tuesday, 29 May 2012

The Doc is crying.     Koo stands away.
K : What's up, Doc?
D : Oh!Koo!  Karadzic in Bosnia ! Assad in Syria
      Former a psychiatrist.  Latter a doctor.     
      Both guilty of the most heinous crimes.
      By station, association, implication. 
      I weep for my profession .. for all of the professions.
K : Festering sores on an otherwise healthy body, surely.
D :  pause    There's blood on all of our hands, Koo  . .  all of our hands.   
      here Doc holds up hands, as if in evidence
K :  pause    Doc, you put your hands up in self-defence ..
      . . to protect yourself against Hackman's sharpened needles, as I recall.
      You weren't to know what would kick off .. 
      And that's not quite the same thing. . . breaks off  . .    Doc!
D :  running out   wailing     No! No!!  . .   ! Tony . .  married to a lawyer !!   
                                            weeping willow
While outside  The Court of Human Rights
                                          a weeping willow
                                                 cries               and sighs                           ( and   dies)      .


LIE-YN  KOMENTS                     YSIT OKENNELM                           N N MOKSLITEYE


                                              weep 'n wallow
  blair     blab           blub                  like babe in arms,
                                                                                                 leveson hushed.
                                              protester cry     ! Waaaaaaaaahh!  Crimes    !! 
Entony S. Kilem


                              

Monday, 28 May 2012

The Match : BadBoyBlair V MadMoyMurdoch : Testimony to  The Leveson Enquiry
                                   . . ....            ?! strike a deal with a megalomaniak ! ?
    !?what d'you think I am .  ..     
                             .  .(bleedin) well cracked  ?  !   *


*  taken from :  welease the where?wolf  (in you) : weepin over Weapons' whereabouts is a whippable offence
                                         Toni Yesmenkl (auth.)
                                         Menkl Noseyit  (ed.)

Sunday, 27 May 2012

the history of UK participation in the EurovisionSongContest is the history of us all


  Kinny   ninny     tinny
                                kinkyslinky                                  ! YES !
stink  stink       humperdinck             stink


TELEY SKOMMIN
                                       (MY KONTEST TINKELSTINKEL ELOTELO)
                         


    

Saturday, 26 May 2012

  Walis
    ! wooops    . .. ...        LOL  .  . ..     Soz     !
Eesy
 Kolee


PPMS : Say hi to grommit!   
    .
Dear Ms ?Ynnit


Thank you most kindly for your recent correspondence.


Since you appear to be somewhat confused, may I respectfully point out 
that I am WALLIS Simpson (the quite late)?; and therefore not the person 
you seem to think I am.


Kind regards


WS (Mrs.)

deer mrs simpson
i must take uxbridge at your attack on  edward (the Eegle)  innit.  Just cos he'a a skier dont meen he don't know no Tonik  and wot you said clearly urt 'im.   tellin him to go stick his skis where 
the son don't shine! aint no good for noone particulaly  ETE.    
Butt i'm sure your still distrest most likely by whats occured with you and our monark.   
but,as you confessed to Yule Brinner in  the  King & eye  well you made your bed so you'll have to lie on it init         
Your truley 
kolee ?ynnit (Ms)
pms :  Say hello to Homer  !
                    OL Y ! SKONK   Official Tonik  edition emboldened by PastorHenryFrog           26.5.12

                   Etmoot El Eekel?   
                   Etmoot El Eekel  ?          lol
                                                         ski-ski  om kolykol ! !
                                                                                          mrs. simpson

                       HOL Y ! SKUNK       Official English edition embodied by Sikment Loyne                26.5.12


                                              EAGLE LEAP TO DEFENCE OF KLEENIT!
Edward The Eagle, champion British skier, has defended impresario Symon Kleenit, who has found himself on the end of recent personal abuse.  Edward, discovered by Kleenit in  Britain'sGotTalons1952,  had this to say:
          Look!, Mr. Kleenit (Symon) has been nothing but good to me and the likes of me.  He's got a lot on His plate,
          what with His Jubilee on the horizon, and Him determined to hang onto His much-deserved crown.
          ! Just cut Him some slack will you?  He's a generous sort, big heart 'n all.  He provided me with all the skis 
          I could possibly need and want, even though I was never a big fan of yoghurt to be perfectly frank.
         He's done a lot for this nation believe you me ?!  And certainly don't deserve all the criticism coming His way!!
ETE

Friday, 25 May 2012

JUSTWOOD DEDWOOD  ??!!   JUSTWOOD DEDWOOD
        KOMTY LINGO STINK . . KOMEN ! IK   !  !
                                                                               !KYNT
symon kleenit
dicky kammerleg
www.britainsgottwats.co.uk   
?Those monstrous twins  cleaning up  at Eurovision?
! We don't think so !


J Edward Hoover

   
                          OL Y ! SKONK         nite-nite  tyme               25.5.12


              Justwood kleenit Eurovision!
    Ooooooooooooo !! Justwood  !


   Tiny Klonesme

                    JUSTWOOD
k : wouldn't it be ironic, doc, if just as i find myself i then find myself dying ?   !
d : wouldn't it just, koo, wouldn't it just !?
      GP's go on line to end 8am appointment rush
                                                                 ? IL    SIK ?     NOTE NO NOTE
           TIK-TIK DOKS  ON LINE       YES  !!  YES
   ON LINE               ON LINE  DOKS
                                       Menly Siknote, The Doc




                OL Y ! SKONK                       25.5.12
   
             Docs miss rabies thrice (3 times)   (trans.)              !

                  ? il  sik        ill  sik                  il syk  ?
  woofwoofruffruff                  NOT       NOT              NOT                !
                                  il?sik      !    mistit                                 (X3)
the doc                                                                                                                                    yon kenelmist


                                 
joey barton talks candidly about his 12 match suspension


        !? Me
           ?!  12     (   *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  )
                                                                              O !  NO          O !! KYNT
                                                                                                                               Skosis Smokis
a gangster's word be his pond
                                                                     telk  abramovich :
                  emot   simlektonto Frog
                                                              tik-tik  no tik      mik
     TinyKlonesme


                                                 a gangster's word be his wand
              ! Skosis-smokis   JoeyBarton
                                                                  Skosis-smokis
                                                                                   no JoeyBarton!!
                    Noy Kilemnets
                    Lon Kitenmyse
                  gangster's word be his bond 
telk  Abramovich :
               emot   simlektonto Cech
                                                tik-tik no tik   mik
                                                                                                                     M-L / L-M
                                                                                                               KOMEN YELTSIN

K : So Doc, you're into football then?
D : No Koo,  I can't bear it.
K : So how come you're up for the Chelski position?
D : Oh I just miss Russian billionaire gangsters.
K : Oh I see. 

Thursday, 24 May 2012

Ooooooooooo !  Kemmelek

   kileks  Kemmelek
                       somnit.          noktleek ;  yinkom-eks
                                                                                         komintyme  eklet.
Yekil Monnste
Tontosmontos
                      
                            is stinkey on
  ot totek
                             skey onis
   tel  stinkeymoneys  mim/es   koment  seloks
                                                                                                  STONE ! MY NIKEL

Wednesday, 23 May 2012

                             OL Y ! SKONK
   TONIK MELENYS
               ESK LINKO SLINKO!       NO NO STINKO!!
          (KIS)                 (KIS)                (KIS)
            X                     X                    X
                                                                                                                                                                                            Pastor Henry Frog
                                                                                                                                                                                            Sikment Loyne
       
   Nikniknonnynot  II


Some time later, Kolee recounts, Frog is out strolling the boulevards with a sandwich board draped over him.  The front board bears the words:
     ENTO MONTEK         KENTO ESET                NIKNIKNONNYNOT                    LOL
  (END OF THE WORLD)      (WHEN IS IT AGAIN)        (HOW THE HELL SHOULD I KNOW)                 (LOL)
Written on the back board :
    SEMENTIK SEMTEKS        TONIK MELENIKS           MISSINKLINKS
(MELENYS TONIK - OR SIMPLY TONIK - MAY PROVE TO BE THE OLDEST AND MOST SOPHISTICATED LANGUAGE
 KNOWN TO MAN AND BEAST (AND POSSIBLY ALIEN) AND, WHEN PUSH COME TO SHOVE, MAY HOLD THE KEY
 TO THE MISSING CHINK IN THE ARMOUR OF THE MISSING LINK, ?WHO KNOWS)
Explosive in itself, you'll agree.  But let's add fools to the fire, shall we?  For those words appearing on the Pastor's boards are much the same as those momentously heard at  TheLoanRangerStores  during  Tonto Wind.
And they are the same words as those ranted and chanted in Jean Hackman's cabaret sessions - (!)JUMPERS(!)  -
at Kelostemy Inn,  or as near as dammit ; words chanted, ranted by the artists, musicians, craftsfolk   before... just before .. well, y'know . .    And here,  in this leap year of leap years,  do? we really need to reiterate that present 
at each and every one of Hackman's sessions has been PHF, there to bless the proceedings.
As Ms ?Ynnit suggest, it just goes to show  . . .    or nikniknonnynot     innit
                                                                                                                    ANUNANON

            Nikniknonnynot : Kolee's Story (Part I)


At the  Loan Ranger Stores, Milton Keynes, there was beholded  The Tonto Blessing or, as it was known in less fortunate tymes, The Tonto Wind;  which anticipate The 2nd Coming of Christ.
Why an outdoors wear shop?    Well, kristians argue that Jesus might have fared better had He had a kaghoul, and who's to say otherwise . .
Anyhoo, a gaggle of evangelists are gathered at the LR Stores/Church, and they're all ' falling down in the spirit '    
. ..  dropping like flies   in the words of one immersed onlooker, Enmity Noleks:
                  .  .  It literaly went totally bonkers.   At one point someone identified the presence of The Prince of 
                  Darkness but we realised after that it might of been Pastor Henry Frog who was incanting to the 
                  tune of  Purple Rain  as the lights give in.   In all honesty once you hit the floor you couldn't of even stand up .    lateraly ! !  .    *
And then there's all this muttering  gobbledegibberish   psychobabblish and stuff   . .  talking in tongues   
as we like to say   or  talking in ponds   I suppose, since Henry Frog was in attendance. 
Here key phrases keep kropping up like      ENTO MONTEK       KENTO ESET         NIKNIKNONNYNOT        LOL
Or words to that effect.
                                        *  taken from   Well I won't be doing that again in a hurry!   Enmity Noleks,  Histerika Press
ANUN



Yes indeed.
The point is a good one.
Had the doc been arsed to listen properly to ?Ynnit's conversation,
It would have been as clear as day
That Kolee had something profound to relate.
?  Shall I begin    ?!
ANON
THE LOAN RANGER :                                     talking to themselves maybe     
                         Whooa ! Heyho Silver !! Hold ya horses!!!   etcetc .  ..
                         Here's the thing, Tonto : The Doc ' switched off ' to Kolee back there, agreed?
                         But, in doing so, missed some very pertinent information, 
                         some acute observation, that wholly refute that insinuation 
                         that Ms.?Ynnit be a  "blitherin' idiot".   Get my drift ?
                                                   Tonto  -  if Tonto be  -  look on      quizzically      
                            
but    blathered by kolee's butt      the doc rebuts . . ...
                                                                            Switching off indeed !!
                                   Just content to hear again the friendly voice of Kolee.
                                Confirmation that Kolee (!bless her) will always be Kollee.
                       Blitherin' idiot                               blitherin' idiot be  !
                                                    DOC                                                                   (innit)                                                   
                    
Kolee ?Ynnit (Ms) talks into her burberry phone to The Doc . . ..
K : Hi doc ..     pause    its me ..   Kollee   pause    Kolee ?Ynnit    (ms) 
D : Oh blimey  .  . hello ! Kolee    What brings you to the conference table?
K : pause    . .      ?What you mean
D : smiling   Haven't heard from you for a while
K : Oh yeah  . . Listen doc!      remember?that night u draggd me round the sales up in milton keynes innit
D : Well i don't think  dragged  is quite the right  ..     interrupted
K : butting in    look shurrup ! rite      No  we woz popped into that church selling that stuff off cheep
D : You mean the bazaar ?
K : Bazarr aint the word!!  i'd say  really wackyback'ead ..  kweer as toast ?aint it     
      chuckling to herself    oh u pickd up that morriss dancing kit remember ?!
D : quickly   And your point is?
K : oh yeah.  Well that church . . or wos it ? a skool       thinking  Or wot were it ..   pause
     Anyhoo it was where we saw that PastaFrog innit! ? 
D : Hmm.   It was an outdoor clothes hire shop.   Which just happened to double up as a church.
K : Rite!!    pause           stumbling     what you mean ??  . ..
D : Clothes hire for The Great Outdoors,  Kolee.     The Loan Ranger,  it was called,  if you remember. 
K : oh  ... yeah . .   I mean ...  rite ..  innit ..   yeah  ..      etctetcetc   
As Kolee  bumbles on indefatigably with her story which, in itself, is holy revelatory . . .  The Doc has switched off     indefinitely.

Sunday, 20 May 2012

   JUST BECAUSE SOME WORDS GO UNHEARD
DOES NOT MEAN THAT ONE'S FATE IS DEFERRED / that one's feet are defurred


Nostlikeymen
speaking about  that moment at  Kelostemy Inn  when Jean Hackman
is drowned out by amplified feedback,  hotel tannoys,  mobile phones
                                                                                                                         and false alarms.

Jean Hackman approaches the microphone and stands in front of audience/performers at Kelostemy Inn.
Those gathered in the space and those milling outside all hold their collective breath.    As do the sirens.
Jean begins to speak, nervously . .   ...
H:  Yes.. erm thanks  there to ..er . Mike ...  and er ...erm ..   yeah thanks ..       
      Welcome all ..  ta for coming .. .yes  .  .       Good to see all the regulars here.. ermm .. 
      Doc,     Kaizer  too ..    oh and you Koo.. of course  ...  yes       welcome
As Jean continues to stumble on,  Koo and Doc look at each other anxiously.   
Is Hackman going to introduce a session of   Jumpers    ? ..       
Or is she going to preside over . .  ..   ! JUMPERS ! .  .   ..   . ?  
KOO:  turning to Doc     Sorry Doc, I can't bear this.  I'm going outside .. I'll watch from there.  
          Koo rushes out.           Looking on from outside,  Koo's worst fears may soon be realised.
             Silence.              Furtive glances.               Spasmodic twitching of sirens.

Saturday, 19 May 2012

      birds on the  wh .. i .. i  ..i ...n .  .. n  .g !

                                   ! the bang of the hammer
                  !   the twang of the yellowhammer
                                 spring                                      bird cull

WORDS: MIKE ONLYNEST
ACCOMPANIMENT: ANDERS BREIVIK 

         *   from the orig. poem in TONIK :
             oosel enk elelelelelelelelel ... .   .  .
                   nokinok  tinkel
                              nok-nok    letiketnokeese
                      koil                                       kilfiks oosel

Friday, 18 May 2012

thanks slim
so i guess you'd like to know more about this jump from  Jumpers   to ! Jumpers!  ?
well let's remember firstly that we live in a world where using the exclamation mark pays little or no heed to whether an exclamation has actually been tended !!!!
but notwithstanding this you'll assume quite reasonably that something dramatic must have happened (or continue to happen) for the old Jumpers  to be transformed into the new !Jumpers !      . . .      ... and so it did/does
okay   so our colleague sineme t. lokyn suggests that all that spoken word and musical stuff performed  at Jumpers  should have a film shown as a backdrop     
so lokyn brings in  the tenant doesn't he?   you ever seen the tenant  slim ?  by polanski  ...  or le locataire  in the original french   ?
well if i'd only known what it was like     . .  bloody lokyn  ....  i'll kill him   i swear                                   JH



Thursday, 17 May 2012

the sad strange case of fenway sports group  v. Kenny dalglish

legend
legged up     to rerun  old legends. 
                                                                       brought to knees   by two bell-ends
Tinklemoneys
Motsyn-Lineke / Lineke-Motsyn

                                                  May might
Mid May. 
                       May has her say on cops' pay.          May has say on cops.          Pays.
                                                                                                                                                                                End May.
   KLOSET ENNYMI, MILENYON TEKS   -  words/music
                                        THE KAMMERLEG   -  cultural advice

Wednesday, 16 May 2012

..  .        Ready when you are, Jean  . . .    ..


 . .  Thanks, Slim             So let me talk to you about the time when   Jumpers   was just  Jumpers ..  and before it became   !Jumpers!  
a time when Rebekah Brooks didn't stand for phone hacking,  when LordPrescott was a mere party hack,  when cynical, old Jean was a younger, more hopeful Hackman 
a time before  Leveson ,  before Sikment Loyne sluiced up at the tribunal, dishing out free subscriptions to the one .. the only   HOLY ! SKUNK,  tossing wads of banknotes to the  giddygreedy gathering;  money blessed by Pastor Henry Frog, by all accounts, and bearing the words   In Frog We Trust ,  if we bear to trust the words.
You see, at  Jumpers  then, arts and craft mixed as easy as that.  
Hand-knits would get knitted, as words were  sifted and music drifted and moods there lifted.
Sometimes a long performance would chance a knitted number and a longer performer a longer sleeved jumper
Then, one day,  Tragedy came  Jumpers'  way     and  Jumpers,  as one might say,  became   !Jumpers!                 And we ... well, we . .   would all be made to pay
                                                                                                                                                                             H
The scene is  Kelostemy Inn.        Noises off :  Various voices,  much music,  sound of siren(s).
The Doc sits waiting in his room.     Koo enters.
K :    at door, shouting     Bit busy today, aren't we?
D :  SShh ! Koo .. .  Keep your voice down! please.    Hackman's next door with Slim
        recording the next bit of the history of  Jumpers  ...  these walls are paper thin, y'know.
K :  lower    Oh, sorry!    approaches chair      whispering now    I said   bit busy here today?
D :  quietly    Koo, let me ask you something  . . .  Where d'you think we are, actually?
K :  smiling   Don't be silly, Doc!   . .  Your surgery, of course ... where else?
D : Okay.    shifts uneasily          changing tack   Koo, you'll have seen yesterday's front page of 
       the  Skunk,  presumably        here Doc holds up the paper, with the words  
                                                        ENDO MUNDEK   ! ?   QUANKO ESSEK            LOL
        K  nod   quizically       Well, it looks like experts have re-examined that old recording they found,
       dating back to Mayan times.   Now it's got  News of the World  written all over it, 
       and it's been recorded over a live  Dido concert, so admittedly it's not of the greatest quality.  
       However you can hear the voice of a Mayan prophet for sure  . . .  and Mayan language boffs 
       reckon they can just about decipher enough to know this:  Where we thought the prophet was 
       proclaiming the end of the world as the 21st December, 2012,  we're now pretty sure that what
       he was actually saying was     ?!What d'you think I am, a bleedin' fortune-teller !?    . ..     
      Apparently both of those statements sound pretty much the same in Mayan.
K :  shouts out     WOW!!   ..       then quieter    I mean,  wow! ..     So, we're not doomed after all then. 
D : Well Koo, you're pretty fucked still I'm afraid,  and we're not exactly sure where Henry Frog stands on all 
       of this, but it does appear the rest of us are going to see in New Year 2013 and  .   ..
K :   pause    Okay.