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Thursday, 30 August 2012

                       Kolee's Naples  :  Inaugural Speech     the second

.  . .   ..   as the  end of 'TheWorld'  as indeed append -  and Y ? not - 
butt B4  Nosty  said it wood  - 
  then we all av sevral lessons2lern  innit?!         wich are those    :

that this speach come2U from naples (italy ) cos them italiens askd me to go ova there in my roll as Leeder 
to lern from them about how to run a goverment  -  well, sevral of them at the same time in fact of point ..
i hav2say theyv all been charmin AND elpful - specially the MEN - but at the EndofTheDay the only thing 
i was learnt was how to run a scoota       wich i got from this JohnPaul dood on V-Bay   . . 
Well wot i realy got 2 say is now its  TEOTW     so im in  charj !/ innit      -   well get used !
cos Thekamerleg aint -   They fukt up/off
. . and it must b the End  cos them Italiens dont give no hoots abut nuffin . .
sept on there orns ;    bangin em at all godforsuck hours of the niteandday
so thats it -   well i fink so tho i dont rememba that much   tbh      btw
cos i bin prety pist mostly   aint ? i       ?    innit    / !          X
at them partys hosted by belaskoni's babes which woz reelly funny cos i said:
                                                                          ! pleez dont ! fink im musslin in
and they all thort i was   mussolini  !!!     and kept toping me drinks up
well i think they did cos i was a bit pist at that time   (LOL)   and i probably dont remember that muche    tbh 

Wednesday, 29 August 2012

                                       CHELSKI  HELLSKI

1.       Captain Terry's expert use of the  Sarkozy defence   to clear himself of racism
                 you avvin a larf            ?!
                                         oodew fink i am  
                                                  !   ?             fukkin sarcosy                     or  wot

2.       Captain Terry's expert use of the  narcotic defence  to clear his head of narcissism 
                                                      ! ?  fukkin  black  . . .     CANT !               
            ? !fukkin black   ...     CANT!!                 fukkin  !?!   black   .     .        .. .  CANT  !! !
                                                 can I,?   Mr. A

3.       Captain Terry's expert use of the  Abramovich defence   to clear his desk of gangsterism
                                      Gangsta heart    beat            skip
                                  Gangsta art :                 beat up ! skip
                         Gangsta halve skip                              !     in skip

Tele Kymonnis                                                                                         MOTSYN-LINEKE


Monday, 27 August 2012

                                                   Whiskers  ( 3 )
Eventually, after much comingandgoingandtoingandfroing with Handlebar and his  amour
after many sessions of raised voices, pulses, and expectations, it was on a night of feline indifference 
that matters came to a head twixt the medium and the chasing spirit.
Look ! my Love,  howled Moustach on that fateful evening,  I understand that you might not want to call yourself
Handlebarmoustach  any more  after all that has passed between us.   However, I will never forget the look you gave me on that terrible day when my life was extinguished by that fucking Finn!
The medium-who-might-have-been-called-Handlebarmoustach-in-less-trying-circumstances-but-who-would-(!inevitably)-come-to-be-called-Whiskers   withered in shock like a squashed panier.       
?There ..   at the Bulgarian's end ?  ..   But it was not possible !, surely !
Oh ! you were but(t) a child,   HM groaned on,   a small, forgetful child, frozen in time, who looked at me dying 
with such pain in their eyes.. and such care.
And as the spirit revealed his story, all those who witnessed the seance that evening were subjected to the most tragic re-enactment of events;  the retelling of which, many moons on, would still melt the stoniest of hearts and reduce many a medium to new measures of understanding.
In that retelling:  
Finnish coachman, floored cyclist, frozen child  ;  and a fevered cat, found captive in a bag that lay on the pavement, useful in cushioning Handlebar's fall though helpless to constrain the flow of his blood.
In Bulgaria, this memory of events is heightened by the remembrance of Handlebar Moustach, the greatest cyclist never to have lived, of course, but a man, above all;  a man who, despite gasping his last breath, still had the presence of mind to grasp from under his quivering body a bag, and from that bag to free a cat;  
a cat, black as night with ghost-white whiskers, which stood sure as a lush as it stared at the shaking man, before wheeling away past the wide-eyed child to a life of unconfined deception. 
                                                                                                               L ONE INSYTE (MK)

Sunday, 26 August 2012

Dear friends
As you'll no doubt appreciate, we are getting very close to the 5000th applicant
for a place at   Kelostemy Inn.
As you'll also no doubt appreciate, we will not be able to take that many of you in.
Numbers are ill-defined as we speak, but with  TheEndofTheWorld  happening sooner than expected,
K.I   was not ready for the sudden (unexpected) rush of visitors/applicants etcetc  . .
Thus, in order to prepare fully for The Future, I'm informing you now that  K.I  will be closed for refurbishment from midnight tomorrow, Monday August 27, 2012
The Inn  will re-open for business on Tuesday 11th September, 2012.
Naturally the site will be 'off-limits' during this period but you can always watch developments
through the barbed wire!
(note: I am selling a bag full of high-power Ecuadorian binoculars (grey) picked up cheap
on Ebay from disgruntled JulianAssange watchers .. to be sold on a  !first come first severed !  basis ! ) 
We apologise in advance for any un/necessary inconvenience.
If you need to contact me urgently regarding room availability or on matters personal, 
please mail me at : 
or (if all else fails) leave a message on:                      07879437101
    ?  WTFRW             (WhereTheFuckRwe    ? )

  foul-mouthed agent
                                   float pooh sticks from short story
                                                                                       by  LongIsland pygmies

? WTFRU                                                                       ( WhoTheFuckRu   ?)

                                  ??    LochofconsciousNess Monster  . . ...
            .  .    .    STREAMOFCONSCIOUSNESS  MONSTER ! !  
                                                                                                           Search over.                                                                                                                          
 sien komently                                              
                                                                             the Joys of the short story
 Joy less                            Joy  meet  Joy
Joy more           blood               sex          tears                  ! bad times
                                                                                         good times  !!             boy OH boy       !
                             OLI SEMEN-KYNT           

Saturday, 25 August 2012

                        Whiskers       II
It so happened that the first  spirit to pop up for 'Whiskers the medium' was not called "Whiskers" at all, as it happened, but went under the name of Sir Gerald Nabarro; an old Tory politician of questionable views and handlebar moustache, whose human death was prompted (largely) by a roundabout and a faithful, company secretary. 
Here the medium made an instant decision to disregard their own pact and NOT to take on the name Sirgeraldnabarro (rather a mouthful)  after all, being rather smitten instead by the words handlebarmoustache...     
Until the (fairly) inevitable happened: W.t.m gazed hard at SirG's h m, glowering
in the spotlight like a barbecued polecat, thought long on it and !lo; summoned up was the fresh spirit of the once living Bulgarian team cyclist, Handlebar Moustach, so tragically flattened by a Finnish coachman in London's BellEnd  when destined to take the Olympic rings by the short and curlies.
Naturally Handlebar not only 'fell in love' with 'Whiskers' but pursued them remorselessly, remonstrating at every spirit gathering hosted and attended by his amourwhere he (Moustach) demonstrated his passions as ferociously as the tricks he had just learned with the unicycle.
That is until that fateful day when the cat most definitely would be let out of the bag! 
        L one Insyte(MK);   Mystikel Neon

Friday, 24 August 2012

                                                 WHISKERS                                                 part I

The first ever seance held at  Kelostemy Inn  welcomed an ageing medium known simply as  Whiskers.
Attending the seance were all the usual suspects.

The medium got to be called  ' Whiskers '  after their first encounter with the spirit world.
Which happened relatively late in Whiskers' life, or relatively early.   
(An  Encounter  can provide acquaintance with dead relatives who have been specifically unacquainted with  when alive.) 
All of which meant that from that typical time when a baby is first named to Whiskers' first experience of
spirits, there was a welter of occasions for social embarrassment and confusion where the pre-Whiskers
child/adult bore no name, so could not call themselves or be called anything, quite simply ;
' Whiskers'  had made a pact (with themselves) to take as their own the name of the first  wandering soul 
they would bump into personally. 
That they ' knew ' (or reckoned 'to know' ) such a meeting was inevitable goes without praying.
And, with such, their gift  was there for all to see  and them to say.
As Whiskers would literally reiterate inveterately , 
                                           . ...  an apple tree bears fruit only when it is good and ready
If it took a long time for Whiskers to welcome goodness and readiness then so be it;  that would be a cross to be borne.

                         L ONE INSYTE (MK)

Thursday, 23 August 2012

When  ! HOLY  JINGO !!  went to  Kelostemy Inn  to report on Kolee ?Ynnit(ms) '  Maidenhead Speech 
- see  Kolee's Nipples (LXIX)  - there was just ONE question on everyone's lips :
    Why is Maidenhead at the top of everybody's holiday list
    Why do Kolee's frozen nipples now adorn every electronic screen
known to Man ?
                                                 SLIM  KEYNNOTE

Well, the answer to THAT question on everyone's lips . . . 
Maidenhead will be top of all lists of everything; 
she be as much a stranger to bottom-listing as she be to listing bottoms.

As for Kolee's  frozen nipples,  there is this to say:
After The End of The World - as you'll recall - all screens known to man blacked out.
On reawakening, all screens were eternally fixed on a frozen image of Koo's severed head.
Well, this wore a tad thin after a while.
So we .. it was decided to replace the head with Bayjingo's nipples 
(Bayjingo being Ms ?Ynnit's 4 year-old daughter.)
Our first thought at this point was to seek a second opinion;
thenceforth we . . . it was decided that it would be more "sensitive" to display different,
frozen nipples instead.
Henceforth, all screens show a frozen image of the nipples belonging to Kolee ?Ynnit(ms).
Is that clear ?

Wednesday, 22 August 2012

 TheKammerleg   wing it,  then swing for it,  and we're left yelling up to it,
     hoping to draw its attention as it dangle from a noose  /
                                                                                                         Dope's on a rope

  Oy   !  Kammerleg          Kammerleg  !
                     Kammerleg!!                   !  Oy   Kammerleg             Oy    !   !
 ( TheKammerleg now look down at us )                                                      ! WANKER(S)  ! 
                            STONEY 'N KILEM
    the trappist monk be so immersed in absolute silence
that they miss those essential sounds made by noisy relatives

                                                                       !  Ey ! Monk !    Listen !!


       !? Listen and play at the same time ?!
  ? !  What you on, man  ! ?
                                                        !?!  Multi-task 'n shit  !?!
 Thelonious Monk /

Tuesday, 21 August 2012

    ? End of the world :
                                                           December 21    2012
                                 If before?                                                            ! TUFF  !

Monday, 20 August 2012

                                      Rachmaninoff (has had enuff)
did franz liszt do the shoppin 
       did chopin do the moppin
         did sassoon hang out washin            on the siegfried line  
         did anton get his chekhov
      did boris do it godunov
  did dmitri get shostakov    ich        from time to time

             Rachmaninoff has had enuff
  He's left a note :   !Gone  2  the coast
     Walking the sands     beating his vest
                whistling his tune 4 string quartet

 did william shake and vacuum
      dostoyevsky dust the bedroom
         thomas tend the rhododendrons       and other hardy kinds
        did dickens feel a charlie
      groutin tiles labelled   marley
did gorky dilly-dali   on the park and ride     ?

            Rachmaninoff has had enuff
         He's left a note :  Gone to the coast  !
   Walking the sands              beating his vest
      whistling his tune 4 string quartet
                                              MILO & MOLI TENENSKY


Sunday, 19 August 2012


    when he wants to irritate her
                                     at night
     he pops some bubblewrap
 which lies by his side of the bed.
 when he wants to doubly irritate her 
                                    (at night )
   he pops some bubblewrap
              which lies by her side of the bed.


  when she wants to irrigate him
                                    at night
     she spikes some spreadsheets
 which bob on his side of the bed.
when she wants to doubly irrigate him
                                      ( at night)
    she spikes some spreadsheets
           which bob on her side of the bed. 

      Monty Le Sinke

Saturday, 18 August 2012

                                   Magik Bootkamp : role call

Voice :     Johannes Chrysostomus Wolfgangus Theophilus Mozart ?
                       silence                                        furtive glances
                                     silence                     furtive glances
Voice : Has anyone?seen Johannes Chrysos . .? ..    ..  O ! sod it

                                                                                                                                               LT. 'NO/YES'  IKMEN

                           the magic boot

                                Mozart  goes        AWOL
  (WOLFY:)       I'm in haydn !,    ( dad, )            in haydn !!
      (LEO :)                    U disgust me,  son!!! 
                                                                                    Klyemin Tones
                                                                                                                           Leo,  (Ole)  Nitemynks
                    KOLEE'S   TIP P LES

deas l. SEMITYN  KOW

THanjs fir yiur advive 2 go fOr
a Sweat italien !
- im noe as biggerd ass a Farty   !
howeber  must i tale uxbridge
at your refer to :
the  paraOlympuks
-  ibe askd muy mates
in Ther  SAS      ( plug grant michell !
ang no ome nose of any suck
         Olynpics  4  the  Paras !!!!
thank   an  take ot  eezy

M.  Le Sink e


We appreciate your fears about  intervention
But let's put your mind at rest, shall we ?!
The REAL OlympicGames(2012) is now over unfortunately
although of course there'll always be time to 
applaud our braveandheroic sportsmen   and women.
Please be assured that our position at the top 
of the final medal table (Chinese-Americans aside)
is unassailable !
None of our boys   or girls will be stripped of their
hardfoughtfor medals .. let Them try to fiddle around
with them and They'll have me and you and all of us
to answer to, won't they!?                     (LOL)
And in answer to your queries about the 'wheelchair larks'
and other similar capers, well that's a separate thing 
entirely, so don't panic!!
We thought it might be good to show people that sport
is not just about serious competition but it can be fun too!
and anyone can join in no matter what the hurdles might be.
Just for the record we call that "the paralympics".
                                  KOLEE'S NOBBLES
Is it just me?  but I'm rather confused.
I thought  LondonOlympics2012  was all over!
But I've had the TV on all this week, watched all the adverts,
and  TheOlympics  is still going on  . . !! .  .
Which is troubling.
Since  TEAMgb  has not increased her medal tally one iota !
So I can only suspect interference.
The IOC  must have taken seriously those allegations 
by the Frogs&Krauts  that we've been "cheating" (!!)  
and  so they're stripping us of medals !
                                                                      And then all is revealed !  !
I switch on the TV and there's a load of cripples hopping
about, crashing around in wheelchairs !! and such like .. 
OUR ATHLETES cut down in their prime .!.  spiked by
contaminated Graupensuppe  and viscous Frog vino .. !! .. 
I'll be bound .  . .
Well it's really not on      !    It just isn't sport,  by jingo
It's just not British         ! !
                                                         Monty Le Sinke

Friday, 17 August 2012

                    KOLEE'S NIPPLES              out-takes

2 years in prison for the Russian punk band   PussyRiot 
just because they say some things against Putin in a church !?
It's an outrage, I tell you, an outrage!! 
I've heard  PussyRiot
and 2 years is just not long enough, believe me !!!
                                                                                                                 KOMEN YELTSIN

There's a Democrat in all of us
                                                                                  ROMAN ABRAMOVICH

prove that in a kort of Law !
                                                                                         JOHN TERRY

You say   PUTIN    !      we say   TERROR  !!                            
                                                                                                           THE MOSLEY TRIPLETS

I deny that veermently  -
    i aint  "put it in"  nuffin thats  Illeagle!!                    JOHN TERRY

                                KOLEE'S  NIPPLES

Dear Kolee
A big thank you for your presentation of  The Travelling Crufts   from Milton Keynes !
In answer to your plea to  . .    bring Crufts to MK for ever . . .
I think you may find that Crufts is still under contract to Ajax FC of Amsterdam.
Yomti (Kennels)

Dear Yomti
Thanks for that!
Do you reckon that Ajax would kick up a fuss
if we encouraged Crufts to break his contract?
Kolee (?Ynnit (Ms.))

Dear Kolee
Think you'd be up shit creek without a poodle!
(btw : Was your show's theme tune one of Beethoven's
           or am I just barking up the wrong tree ? )

Dear Yomti
(1) Thought so.
(b) Probably  - and no tree involved whatsoever!!

Dear Kolee
My dog gives off this pungent odour and cries out
for Schnittke every time my foot taps along to 
Schubert or Schumann.
Can you shed any light on this, please ?

Your Schnittke-loving ShihTzu 
may have trodden in some Schnitzel!
Advice: Shed some Ligeti !!

Ta !
ps.  Who writes your letters btw?


                                         ! HOLY  JINGO   !!

KOLEE '  Speaks to National Identity and Pride in Pretty Lousy Economik Sirkumstances

Well, to all our very dear readers, welcome back ! to   KOLEE'S  NIPPLES.
And to all our new readers,  ?what took you so long   ! 

      --       Well, Kolee,    !HOLY  JINGO !!   was only launched last Sunday !    (ANON/TRAD)

Aye !  Tis true.                                                                               KOLEE ?YNNIT (ms)

Saturday, 11 August 2012

                                       The Big Sea  *
Okay right, so here's the deal about BeachVolleyball  isn't it?  the ONE TRUE Olympic Sport..
And without it,  TeamGB (GloryBollocks!)  would have found it really hard in these Games, would they not?, 
if you took away a bit of sloshing about on the waters, all that horsey-ass shit, and the bikeriding of course  
( love Bridley Waggins  btw  !  xx)
So why not treat BV with just a wammer of the respect it surely clamours for ,  
and give my daughter BAYJINGO  - amongst others - a fair crack of the whiplash ?
Okay, Bayjingo's only 4  - tis true! - isn't it ?  but her physical prowess is there for all to see,
(and the cheeky one's already up to SizeZero ! )
Clearly Rio D. Jenario might be too soon for her, accepted, but just as well - I mean how's Brazil going to cope with the REAL sport of BeachVolleyball when it's a wad of flaming rainsticks and bushforest isn't it?
And clearly it doesn't have the advantages of England's Great Capital  -  the River, we mean, and the beach and seaside of course courtesy of London's SouthEnd  .  .  ....
Which brings us neatly to 2020 - Turkey & Spain, in Japan? - that's okay isn't it ?  because Bayjingo's got Dad's from all those places most likely.  and she'll be 12 by then which is the perfect age almost  .  . .    
though Kenya 2024 would be even more ideal, because it's at the seaside, and Bayjingo would be sweet 16 at that point, isn't it?, and in the peek of condition,  so that's what we'll go for ..
But here's my problem: And this is what  TheBigSeaMovement  is banging on about : 
A campaign for the kids in Milton Keynes to be given the proper opportunity to train for BeachVolleyball 2024 
 -  my Bayjingo especially !
We're going to need a proper beach obviously (that goes without saying!) so that means bringing the sea to MK  
(Milton Keynes)  - clearly I can't afford to get  Jingo to training programmes in blooming BognorRegis and the like !  
So how is that likely to work, isn't it?  Well, here's the deal: Basically, you've got to flatten East Anglia a bit, so the Sea can flood over it, as far as MK, which then become coastline.   Now since all the people living in the East of England are either Stephen Fry or are having sex with their relations, what's it matter if they have a bit of salty water to douse their unnatural passions?   
Anyhoo,  what you get up to on dry land  you can just as well do in the ocean is my belief isn't it?! 
                                                    * Extract from   The Big Sea : Parting the waves or waving the parts ?  -  Kolee ?Ynnit (ms)
                                                       Translation :  Sonney & Nonsey Klimet ,  The Body for Linguistic Enhancement,
                                                                             The  In My Skeleton  Foundation

Thursday, 9 August 2012

so some gal called  Trot wins the biking   drest up as an 'orse
            and some gal called Hammer  get the silver
                                   o ! horra
                       and then put(t)  to pasture
        in the fieldevent of 'er choice    ?         of course
 london 2012           cud be worse  !!                          lol x
                                                                                               K?Y     (Ms)
                                                                                          MARTIN BORMANN

Wednesday, 8 August 2012

         KOLEE ?YNNIT (ms.) ' first inaugural speech
well  i bin thrust into the 'edlites of power as they say !
Like a rabbit blinded by the first site of a stolen sitron.   so to speek?!
(yeah!  thats right jeanClaud  - I hope your lissnin  )
And it aint prety ! innit?     and! me eyes urt
bit it seams I am yer Leeder - aparently -   And as ya leader,
let me say this  and only so ? , :
  Who? betta2 kwote from than those bulgarien team syklists   ' taken out
by that brazilien coach in the BellEnd distrikt of london . .. ?!
and as he lay dyin' the cyklist  in pools of blood  wiv is byke in bits,
e 'ad this to say  and which are important dyin words in the senario of u lot
voting me yor leada  innit!    so let me kwote:
          ! Aaagh   ,,  2 many trafiks  ..    ! no bell!      .  .     badcoachman 
  Aaghh!  . .   .   .  ....                  Go on Ebay   . .!  .   buy cheep jetpaks
     . . .. !Aaaggh   . .       splut  .  ..  .              .     .                                           innit?  
                                                                                  A DEN DUMB 
Well I duno why these words is important,they just are innit  and i literaly
quoted from wot he said  as he was speakin     broken           english