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Saturday, 25 February 2012

         ! HOLY SKUNK!                          10.2.12 

  new england Manager!,
   (more) names in the hat : 
                        John terry
                         pastor Henry Frog
                        sikment loyne

In yesterday's edition,  Abu Qatada was described incorrectly.
He should have been called   ..  the face of  TERROR
                          and not  . . .    the face of  Terry.
!sorry!                         (but theyre still both in the hat by the way!)             
                     !HOL Y SKUNK!                  9.2.12

  New England manager,! names in the hat:
                           Abu Qatada
                         John Prescott
                       Kolee ?Ynnit(Ms)
                          Kaiser Soze

Wednesday, 22 February 2012

             ! HOL(E)Y SKUNK !  (formerly  The Holey & Toothy Skunk)           8.2.12
                    The ONLY newspaper!!
       Sikment Loyne welcomes Pastor Henry Frog    
     aboard !Hol(e)y Skunk!

                !  eh fabio, you CV no as good as henry frogs 2CV     ( *see Thurs Jan19)
               kapello         skarpo-skanko    
kupo blanko        lingo starko-stanko
 ( dosho                                 banko)
                    Motsyn - Lineke

Tuesday, 21 February 2012

Pumped-up Frog gets the hump    and takes a jump     on the rumpin' Tom and Bob
Now that Ms ?Ynnit is no longer with us, it might be safe to explain what lies behind this headline.
Tom and Bob had booked a double room at a christian B&B on the Isle of Dogs, but were turned away on arrival because Hugh & Sue Foll-English, the god-fearing, husband and wife team which owned the guest house, didn't fancy the idea of two gay men bunking up together at their establishment.  So Tom and Bob sued them for sexual discrimination;  thus ensuring that their souls would still burn like Sue's breakfast (which they never got to eat).
Pastor Henry Frog got a tad uppity about this whole affair and his tirade against Tom and Bob spawned a welter of gripe and spittle aimed at the onward march of godlessness.  
Hence the noted edition of  The  Natternatterjack Boogle.
However, amidst all of this tirade uppity, spawned welter and spittle gripe, lay a golden nugget of inspiration, a pearl of zealous Frogwisdom that would have us all shakin' in our bones and rattlin' in our boots.
The Pastor had a divine revelation (or two), as described in The Boogle, so damnably profound that we might be unable to leave our homes ever again (if we still have one standing that is.)

On Wednesday, February 8, 2012, a truly free and egalitarian press will spontaneously emerge, espousing libertarian and secular values, and unburdened by issues of race, creed, class and Sikment Loyne (with whom HF ...  has never nor ever will cross swords  . . )
Following this media revolution, England will declare war with Italy(or vice-versa)

Now Pastor Frog was acutely aware that neither of these divine revelation(s) pertained, in any shape or form, to a divine outcome (His Holiness aside). Nor, in the overall scheme of things, did these revelation(s) do him any favours.
But for the Pastor after all, a (divine) revelation is a (divine) revelation.


Monday, 20 February 2012

tues  feb 7
KOLEE ?YNNIT(ms): well i thort there was talk of em both bein dead like, but aparement not . . 
                          so were stil stuk wiv Frog and Loyne then it wood seam ?init !
KAISER SOZE :       Yes.  Though they're still trying to find a heartbeat for Loyne, 
                          so the jury's out on that one.  And as for Frog, well ...
                          Really, Kolee, we reckon it was all a bit of a ruse from the outset.
?YNNIT :         (pause) . . .   oh!  from his time in oztralia you meen     (pause)   .  . 
                          wen loyne woz messin around wiv them kangaroos  ?                      
SOZE :               ...  Yes.  Of course the printing error, genuine or not, hasn't helped 
                         matters.  Frog wasn't in a ' freak ' canoeing accident  after all.  That should
                         have read  FREE canoeing  .. . 
?YNNIT :        (pause)  ... !blimee.  wel all i can say is kaiser he must be made off prety stern 
                        stuff innit ? to survive FREE acsidents!  more powder to is elbows,id say
SOZE:              . . Yes.  Though of course we're really talking of  free canoeing  here, 
                        which is like 'free running', except you're jumping from tall buildings in a 
                        canoe. Which is, I feel, wholly untenable.
?YNNIT :       (pause)  ...   oh bleedin ell !!  i wooden fancy that if i was doin it on me own . .
                        but ten of yer, blimee  !  no fank you

Sunday, 19 February 2012

In between a front page headline of  !Rupert is my love daddy (says Sikment Loyne)
and a back page headline of        You're a sick man, Sikment! (says Sikment Loyne) 
The Natternatterjack Boogle  of  Tuesday, February 7th, 2012  
devotes the rest of that edition to Pastor Henry Frog's mission to restore
some sense of christian order to an increasingly ungodly nation.
This has only served to fuel speculation about Loyne and Frog's special relationship:
A growing belief that the pair are in cahoots on some skulduggery or other;
acting more and more like they are joined at the hip, in Loyne's case,
or joined at the hop, in Frog's case.
i said a hip, i said a hop
i said a hip hop the hippie the hippie
to the hip hip hop, a you dont stop
the rock it to the bang bang boogie
say up jumped the boogie
to the rhythm of the boogie, the beat 
                                                   MIKE ONLYNEST

     The Natternatterjack Boogle                             7.2.12 
(centre spread)
                 Pumped-up Frog gets the hump 
                                and takes a jump 
on the rumpin' Tom and Bob
                      Mon. 6/2/12
Lt. Monkiesyne gather the troops.    
Not quite the usual suspects this time, I see    quips the lieutenant.
So ..    ? Lt. Monkiesyne  . . Gen. Klutterfat . .  Kol. T. Yesmenni  . .  Ensine Tomlyk  . .
Semens Loynkit, Kiltony  . .       Kaiser Soze ??       ...... ... ...
Silence.    Furtive glances.
All present then . .  and enough fighting figures to start a school !?eh  .. .   hmmm.
Silence.    Furtive glances.
That's it,  then  !All done.
With that, they all march out,  holding, baton like, tomorrow's rolled-up edition of  
The Natternatterjack Boogle
.. suddenly  strange music    distorted shapes  .. .
    ...    . . .   
                 .   .   .                MONDAY FEB 6
                                           Lt. Monkiesyne gather the troops  ...

                    ( K:  !A call to war!  Oh!god!!
                      D:   No, Koo.  Much worse than that.  Just you wait and see ... )
                                                                                                                       SUNDAY FEB19                                                                                                                        
D:  Okay ..  if suddenly we hear strange music, accompanied by distorted shapes ..  
      what does that suggest?
K:  Elton John and Chris de Burgh in a duet.
D:  No, Koo.  It means we're flashing back in time .. going to a place, and memories best erased. 
K:  Yes, Doc.  As I said.  

Saturday, 18 February 2012

The flugelhorn is at rest.
The Doc sees Koo dressed
and, if not at best,
then still less pressed, stressed,
sure to digest
The Doc's telling of past events ....

You see, Koo, there are times when the story of the world cries out for musical accompaniment, or musical interruption ...
to be crowned by it, or drowned by it . .
Sat, Feb 18

The Doc and Koo are in the place which, two weeks ago, they entered, bagged-up to the nines.
In that same place are nine bags, still full, untouched.
The Doc and Koo exchange regards.   
Not liking very much what they see through the other's eyes,  they revert to their own view of life.

DOC:  ?Remember on day one, Koo,  how I told you that you'd have times of spite, and spite 
.          again.  Yet, despite such spite, you'd also have times of respite.  Do you recall ? 
           (Koo nods, uncertainly    ......  pause . . . .  Doc then nodding to a horn lying at K's feet ..)  . 
           You going to pick it up then?   (Koo picks up the horn - a flugelhorn - and begins to play it.)    
           Oh ! you blow like a beast  ...  (Doc shouting above noise of horn) ..
           You now recognise your state of the last two weeks, don't you?   ..  
           What we docs refer to .. (here Koo stops playing .. Doc still shouting ) ..
           we refer to..     (now lower) ..  as a  flugel state      (Koo nods, begins playing again)   ..    
           !Oh like a beast, I tell you, like a beast!!

Thursday, 9 February 2012

Like a badger     slashed by a dagger     so I felt when she spoke to me
As an epic smile     lit up her face          ?or was it epic simile
Like it or lump it    she said  !I'm leaving you    !Well aint life kinda sweet?
My sugar    takin off with my brother     and kickin me in the teeth
Thus like my teeth    I had to take her out      and give her a dressin down
Cos my brother     is also her brother   -   that's why they had to leave town
And so I went out     with my friend Homer      into the centre of town
There I came    on a turf accountant's   where I could write my feelings down
My friend Homer - that's my stepdog - how! well she sit on the bookies' floor
Where she trips up     all of the losers        who try to step right over her
Like a badger      slashed by a dagger     so I felt when she spoke to me
As her easy smile    was lost in the distance     -    a street called  Misery.

               Tom Lee SKINNY             5.2.12
Feb 5, Sunday

The Doc and Koo enter,  bagged-up to  the nines.
KOO :  I see they've been saying some good things about you ..   ! listen here:
          ..  Koo  ..  the savviest indictment of  'yesmen culture'  since (TomLee) Skinny's  A badger go a baggin'
                                                                                                                    -    Toni Yesmenkl
               .. . .   no.
                                                                                                                    -    Menkl Noseyit
DOC :  ?Isn't that about you. surely!
Sat 4/2/12

    they suck up their perks 
  those pallponce stuffed shirts
in that biliousball of bonus!bonus 
  where they are instructed thus:
    to bone us is to stuff us 
      is to stick it up us
          in a place 
 which they suffer not to grace
     for putrid pile of shit 
infer their inferiority     to it
                                    SEMEN LOYNKIT

                         saturday feb 4th
Menkl Noseyit and Toni Yesmenkl corresponde
Episode 2

YESMENKL:  Hello there!, Menkl  . .  Well, I'm being got at from all sides now.  
                    Not only am I being accused of validating the yesmen society
                    but exacerbating,  even creating it ..   I ask you?!     
                    ?What do you recommend I do, old friend ... .
NOSEYIT:     No.

Tuesday, 7 February 2012

               DIGGING TREES & FRIGGING TROLLEYS                    Friday 3/2/12
                                                      (The School Inspector's Buble)
       Sick scroungewits sack sink school !

In a turn of events best described as  wholly unsatisfactory, a new, free, sink school in Bath 
has been razed to the ground by a gang of asbooligans.
The school,  which cannot be named for loogle reasons, was so bad (apparently) that 
it almost qualified for  academy status.
Kliston Meeny,  Chief Inspector of either  OFFTREE *  or  OFFTROLLEY **  
(depending on which way the whim blows)  had this to say:
!Look, whatever school phoenix rises out of those particular ashes will be entrusted to the army.   
We hope this will be the first of many schools run by the military.   
Whatever they've learnt from ballsing up the hospitals should stand them in good stead now.
Anyway these are schools after all, so it's not as crucial! 
                                                                                                             Monty Le Sinke
*  OFFTREE : OFFice for the Trumpeting of Ropey Educational Enterprises
** OFFTROLLEY : OFFice for the Trouncing of Real Open Legitimate Learning by Establishment Yesmen
thursday Feb 2nd

     she who covet tool of  wiggins
           forget rule of japanese acting:
                  !NOH BELL . . .
            . . .  NOH DRAMA!

       Noh belle's pride provide
                                           that she prise her prying eyes
                                                                                       from his no-bell prize

                                                                                                      Wed.  1/2/12
Koo enters, carrying a heavy book
KOO:  Well, Doc, haven't seen you for a while.
DOC:   No.   (looking at book) I see you have got Jean Hackman's new master work.
KOO:  Yes.  
        Fifty Ways To Love Your Empire : Imperialist history told through the hand-knit
      Book One : Knit One Purl Harbor
               I take it you know it then .... 
DOC:   It would seem so.

Monday, 6 February 2012

TUES. 31/1
the bell of bradley wiggins sound somewhere in milton keynes
                                                                                                                                by   Kolee ?Ynnit (Ms.)
look ! right   were all told at school  to  !look right look left look right!  which is right innit? 
for yer cities chogged full up of cars   but yo dont expect to av 2 do it for a load of bleedin bikes  do ya !?
cos there i woz crossin the road  and afore i ad a chance right to look  rightleftright 
all these ciklists are comin at me  all bells a janglin     nearly give me an art attack innit!   
and theres this mod geeza bradly wiggins leadin em and you can ardly belief hes bin put up for 
a  no-bell prize 
cos  i wudnt vote for him  NOT when his and all the otha thousands of bells are goin like the clappers !     
and theres this big banner draped across the line of bikers sayin:   !cities fit for cyclin !      
which apparement was the slogan of the campain run by the media 
well run by  TheHoleTooth  to be exact   and nothin but  The Hole Tooth  (when it waz still in bizness that is . .) ...  
fit ?! for cyclin  tho        fit ??  fit       i nearly did av a bleedin fit ! innit      
but he woz tho. !.    fit i meen        wiggins ?innit        well fit ! ! yeah

Friday, 3 February 2012

tuesday  jan 31
          the trumpet of Tomasz Stanko sounds somehere in Tampere
                            Stanko's sweetjazz free 
                                                   frozen  finnish harts;    broth of fresh hare 
                                blow wild woods
                                                                    Meleny Stinko

Wednesday, 1 February 2012

monday jan 30 
                                 true grit
Icy roads,  no?grit
       Work those scroungewits
            !       ! Grift  get up and go,  unspent sweat
                                                      Semen Loinkyt      
                    SaltOfTheEarth Fuck
                             runs out of salt,     so nicks grit
                                                       off  NickTheGrit's truck
                           Nikitol Mesen