and anyhoo K  if I said  there's  werdshitstuff  goin on
you'll be  then screamin'    Cuzz!!Cuzz   at me
 ( and ?why not)
and cussin' me for watchin' too much  KolinFry and  Sik Sense
and then  before you know it girl  we've both got bit-parts
on  The Dukes of Hazzard
and with our keks round our ankles
you find out I'm your sister
and I find out you're my half-uncle
and before y'know it girl  ( !again)
we been driven out of that one-Horse-shebang
with a shotgun up our ass
and the surety of never ever gettin' another bit-part between us
again
(!or any parts come to that)
and all 'cos     (cuzz)
I had the temerity
the absolute temerity
to call what's goin' on with us   weerdshitstuff
and not, with due and relative hindsite,  
that strange clarity
   strange   and beautiful
            clarity
So d'you see,  ? Kole
if only I'd been clearer from the start
?eh  !  Kolee   .        .     .             ..
 .  .. .   !  .      Kolee           ?


-



 .    ..          .  ?!    .           Kolee     ?       ! !      ?





-






O    !    FFS     ! Kolee                            ?  innit                 !

                                                                                               
                                                                          NeferTT

straddling the sun  

                               like Nefertiti

                                                       at a never-ending party

                                  (  or  )

straddling the sun

                              like Nefertiti    

                                                      on a newly-painted moped

which to send her ? 

                                  still           

                  prevarication be a dish best served  gloomy

                for she'd toddled off 

                                        to the Isle of Man

                                                                                      with a gold-digging druid

                                                                                                    IKON ELYMENTS

         K ?Y (ms.) :

                          

                    SL :

                     

          K ?Y(ms) :

                           

                  SL :

                         

    in a desperate attempt to confuse us even further,
                                                    Kolee come up with something
                                                                                           completely similar




          Gardeners welled


Hello.  Today we are in the so-called Garden of England, famous for its orchards, hop gardens 
and, of course,   ( gesturing)  )  for the deepest, darkest well in the world.
We have come to talk to the two gardeners, Emon & Mone Skyliten, who co-manage this spacious and delightful  Garden.
Unfortunately, however, they appear not to be here today, and !what a shame that is.
( faint echoey-pained cry from 'distance' )     Ah listen ! Hmmm ..   yes, even in this peaceful place
the silence be sometimes broken by the cry of .. !hmmm .. mmmm    !of course   the coypu
mown down by an errant stockbroker from Esher.   .  ..      Mmm    !  Lovely  
(presenter then turn, and , with an air of resignation speaks to film crew : 
 Ok everybody, lets rock 'n roll  ! Skyliten no-show  ! Let's get the hell outta here, ?hmm

                                   A Soylem-In-Kent production




         Post-show discussion :



 -   so  ? wot d'ya think  Sik  about me  new film    ?

 -  Well Kolee i'm particularly partial to the short    and that was particularly short  wasn't it ?
     It got me thinking of the films by The Coen Brothers, in their House and Home period ?yes
     Y'know, works like  Blood Shingle, Furr-go, and how your film is nothing like that great work           Mmm   but then there's the the Koyn Sisters, y'know, Smeltin  & Meltins ?  .. and 
     their impressive body of work,  yes..!  Mmm/Hmm  .  ..   indeed  ..  yes  ...  
     .    .    .             .. .

 -    and The Sisters' work is nothing like my film either, is it ?  Sik



 -   Erm  .    .     !  no
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       
                                                                                                                   


Dear K?Y

I'd like to say how great your Gardeners Welled doc-film was. butt, malheursment,  
I didn't get to catch it and I heard it was a bit shit  btw.

Anyhoo, that aside, I'm writing to you on a 'gardening' issue. 
Well I say 'gardening' ; you might have to dig deep to find even subluminous reference 
butt something will crop up  sindood, if you look hard enough.

This is the thing, Kolee (Cauli)  : 
I have been traveling by Megabus quite a lot during the last few months, making a necessary journey from The Smoke down the M4.
What is becoming apparent is that, 20 miles or so to the south-west of the city, there is what can only be described as a 'hole' of some kind, a place where people, things 'disappear';
without trace; at Slough in fact, as near as make no difference.
Here, in random-alphabetical order, is a catalogue of everything which has mysteriously vanished into thin air at that hole: 3 mobile phones (mine) ; a pair of binoculars ( a priest's) ;
a vibrato/vibrator (a priest's ); a priest (as himself); 4-5 passengers (random, exact number disputable due to some conjoinedness); 2 drivers (less random); and a National Express waitress who had previously existed only as an expression of Neil Hannon's messed-up mind but who, latterly, did find solace and meaning with Megabus, who paid her to be a 'faux-waitress'  with the soul intent of      pissing off the IrishKunt  ( pretty random ) . ..   .
 . . .       ..     .  



 -  !Look   ?  !  Can I stop you there, dearest  TWIMC   . .?  .



 -



 - 




-  Yes   ? Ms ?Ynnit  .!.   we're waiting ..  what is it you ..  ?


 - Oh ! No    I just wanted to stop you there.
   Butt   now you mention it  your use of language is 
    somewhat .  ..!hmmm .. well somewhat   inapropriat   ?innit !   
   . . mmm  I mean   I       we       
   thought the only   IrishKunt  was   Bono      !  !




  







   


















    

 

   when  Loyne  confess to ?Ynnit  of the  lovely sensation he has          between his legs when in her     
                             presence
                                      and ?Ynnit question the 
                                              hole-kaboodle





      -   Look  ! all i'm saying , Kolee,  is that when you're around I feel  .   ..  well  I  . .  .




     -   !Look Prof    !?  why don't yer just shut-the-fukup   ffs    !  ?innit

                           GARDENERS   WILLED


 
   -  Do you have something to tell me, Kolee, about your latest project ?

   -  No Sikment   ! I aint  actually

   -  So there is no narrative development here then, K.. with your previously walled (in) gardeners            becoming  willed  gardeners, on their consequential demise.


 -



  -   All of which leave rather a sour taste in the mouth, do you not agree, ?Ms. ?Ynnit





 - 



Dear Ms ?Ynnit

my brother and me we been gardeners for quite a long time now. it was something we were determined to be and so it has been       so.
nevertheless we get a bit pissed with folk telling us what to do, where to be
howto do it, when to go  bla-de-bla   !!
Dont  ?  !  you just feel sometimes you want people to just leave you
alone. eh, Ms?Y ; don't you ?
All best


will  & will gardener






       (Dear w gardeners )

         

        ( K ?Y (ms.)   )

 
                                Thing of Beauty



He had wanted to tell her 
                                          how privileged       he felt 
                                                                                      to have known her,

   but his lack of education 
               and 
his shocking sense of direction

                                            meant that  privilege 
                                                          end on a   privy ledge                                   
                                      of a public menace

                                     who lived next door, 
    in  The Roundabout Flats , 
                                                                         upon the 17th floor.

              Standing on that ledge, 
                                       he thought he spotted her 
                                                                                   on the pavement below.

                                                 Not one to forget his manners, 
                    he resolved to go 
                
                                                                                                             and say hello .



                                                               
         STEEMIN ONKYL


  




-  WTF  !  !  ?    innnit  ? !     Why ?you still writin' stuff like that about u and me       !

 -  Look !Kolee  it's allegorical, metaphorical,  you don't need to take everything so literally



-



 -  All I wanted to say  .   .. 

-  Oh I know what you wanted to say ;  get me all exsited so you can have your wicked way
    wiv I  ..  .  but wot i dunt get, why dew hav to to do it in a bog              ?   !    innit

-  Sorry ! Kolee,  I have absolutely no . .

-  NO !!Sik  its prety obviamente to me , that this geeza is using that nextdoorgeezas bog
   even tho' theres a publik loo close by   -aparente    - and  theres 17 floors  ?yeah   on   
   a bleedin' roundabout spinnin' like fukin' zebadee on mushes and  well  no wonder  ! this   
   geeza loses is balanse and  ends up back on the bog  ,  pukin' up sindood       (  ?  ! innit  )

-  So that's your evaluation of   my ..   .     .   of  that  piece    then  ?  !



-




-  Is that what you really think   ?



-  

      how Professor Sikment Loyne learn from Kolee ?Ynnit (ms.)
      
  why it is precisely that wellington boots 
      
                          never stand erect when we take them off out feet





  -  ..  and thats how it is  Sikment /  im realy surprised you never thought it
      that way before   ?  !  innit


  -  It's an astounding theory, Kolee, I will say that,  particularly when you argue that            typically it is the left wellington boot which struggle most to stand erect. 
       I would say, however, that your statistical sample  - you and I  in effect  - 
       may be just a tad narrow.
       Furthermore, as you know, most people's inclination is towards the right, as the 
       current political climate would indicate  (lol  ), though I presume, of course, that you
       will have taken all of that into account, alongside forces, movement, equilibrium, 
       and all-that-jazz . .



 -



  
  -   . ..   Ms.?Ynnit  .         .        .

  

  -  Yes  Sikment thanks.  now just shut the fuk ! up and lissen  .    .. 

                             GARDENERS   WALLED


 !     ?YNNIT                        ?YNNIT                                                ?YNNIT


  ?YNNIT                                                        ?YNNIT                            ?YNNIT


         ?YNNIT           !                                LET             US          OUT   ! !

                                                                                                                                                                                                   Let Monkeys In






    -   Look ! Kolee   You can't keep the gardeners walled up in your garden  !  
        You just can't  ?okay   !

    -  ?!Why not Sik,   ! innit   It's not like burying your neighbours, is it  ?

    -  I have absolutely no . .        ..        .       .

   -   Sikment  !?!    . ...

-  o  ffs     just tell me     ?Y / y ?

- i cant    L    norup 2 mwah      to say  wot  gorrinto u   ? innit   ffs  and litraly neerly int me  ?innit ! 


-


-  k     ? !  prof



-   .  .     .             o     y?Y/  o ?Y/y  ..  did  ?  i  .. i  mean ..    i didn't start banging on about 
    the 17 romantic-semantic distingments   ...aaah .. twixt.. o ffs . !!     twixt  
   Noo        and        O! Whirrled  w(h)ines .     .       did i       ?.. o pleeez   tell me  i ..     

-  ! cant say  can? i     well  cud  butt aintgon2   innit    !       ?


-



-  !   ?      k                     ( prof ) 



-      .       . ..               o  ffs   ..    e roo dite professor       rood ite profesr     !      rood-tit-prof  ...nooooooooooo    h                ! !




-

?Y :   whaddya ?meen u luv me more than words can say

 L :   did i really say that          !               ?

?Y :  you dunt ! rememba muche of that nite we had then with one of me olde-RioHa!'s    ?

 L :   can i be perfickly honest with u, ?  ?Y

?Y :  of !curse   L

 L :   !Then no

?Y :  then ! Yeh


 L :


?Y :  then  Yeah!  u  did say  that         really                       !

    when Kolee is told the news that soo many heads have turned away from her 
        programme   
         Gardeners Whirled
                 she is forced
                                                      with   trademark  steely  grit
      to re-invent herself     

   

                               Gardeners weld




Dearest Kolee ?Ynnit (ms.)

We live in the tidy village of  Leekinmoyst  witch you'll no doubt have heard     of.
As you'll know then, it is predominantly farming land, with all the distasteful stuff
that go with that.
Anyhoo, farmers aside, we have recently been acquainted with the notion that if one
urinates in one's garden ( front and back ) it is guaranteed to keep the foxes at bay.
Well, we had previously thought that an old wives' tail, but all I can say, Ms. ?Ynnit, is :
!Yo lo tengo
Those manicured neighbours of ours - michael and gene fox(j) - can't even look at me any more ! and won't touch my friend and I with a barge pole. Which is ironic, really, when you consider that the foxes have antecedents living on the WarsawShipCanal    !   (aparently )
Nevertheless, to repeat , Ms. ?Ynnit,  
! Yo lo tengo

Best wishes



Steemin Onkyl





Dear SOnkyl


?! Are you literaly bonkers
I have indeed heard of The-Tidy-Village-of-Leekinmoyst.
More than that, I actually have some very good aquaintances there, mostly old wives.
Who tell me, in all good faith, that they aint never heard nor seen of no barge pole
in TTVoL,  probably 'cos there  aint no  fuckin' !barges  
as the nearest canal is so far away it aint  worth shoutin' 
about   !!
Tho, readin' between the lines of them old wives' 
scrawlyscrawnyshit writin',  there are    weirdly    a   few old punts  knockin' around   
but   tbph   thats to be expected in the country    ?innit 

All bets

?Y





Dear Ms ?Y

I'm not saying I have a garden (front or back) or neighbours whom I would want to bury there, but if I did have (on both counts) where would you recommend I put the bodies? Amongst the flowers and/or vegetables (hypothetically speaking)?, or separate from them.
If I didn't have a patio, for example (and ! I'm not saying I don't) ?would it be worth my while having one built.
And, speaking hypothetically again, of course, where would burying neighbours stand in that eternal struggle twixt individual liberty and collective responsibility  ?   !
And when it comes to the really noisy neighbours, should we not be setting the noisometer on ethical gauge?
And accepting that neo-Hebridean porn (let's say! ) is at every twist and turn in this crazy-modern world, are there ? still not limits to how much of that we throw in each others' faces. 
Please don't think I'm anti-libertarian per se - some of my closest friends are called Percy - but is it not stretching liberties rather when all one can hear, every fucking minute of every fucking day, are the jalopinous screams of Julian AssAngel,  the macroonious marls of TheMcWhirterTwins. I mean to say, Ms. ?Y   The Swallows of Young McWhirter ? !  really?  And aren't they dead, those boys? 
Oh ! a bridge too far surely, Ms. Y, a bridge too far     !

Regards


Oli Semen-Kynt




        Your a sick fuck !  Sik    ? innit